Healing perfectionism: How to thrive without burning out

Are you someone who can’t bear the thought of walking away from a task until it’s perfect? Are you constantly checking off your accomplishments like a real-life report card? Or do you get so emotionally rattled when someone fails to do something exactly the way you wanted them to?

If any of this sounds like you, you might be struggling with perfectionism.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is a personality trait where your standards are incredibly high, often impossibly so, and your self-worth becomes tied to how well you meet them. 

It’s not just more than wanting to do well, but it’s also the belief that anything less than perfect is failure. And while perfectionist thinking can drive you to work harder, it often comes at a cost: increased stress, self-criticism, anxiety, and feeling like you're never quite good enough.

Perfectionism is not classified as a standalone mental disorder, but it plays a significant role in many mental health conditions. Psychologists have often linked perfectionism with risks for anxiety, depression, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive behaviours, and traits often seen in ADHD.

Perfectionists also tend to fixate obsessively on any imperfections, try to control every situation, criticise themselves harshly, or set unrealistic expectations for themselves and others.

The different faces of perfectionism

Perfectionism can show up in different forms, but psychologists commonly talk about three types:

• Self-oriented perfectionism: This is when you set extremely high standards for yourself and judge yourself harshly when you fall short.

• Other-oriented perfectionism: Here, the pressure is outward. You expect others to meet your impossible standards, which can cause tension in relationships.

• Socially prescribed perfectionism: This involves believing that others expect you to be flawless, and fearing rejection or criticism if you're not.

Each of these types has varying risk or susceptibility levels for mental health challenges and psychological disorders. For example, socially prescribed perfectionism has been noted to be especially damaging to a person’s self-esteem (Patterson et al., 2021).

Is perfectionism a mental disorder?

Perfectionism isn’t considered a mental disorder on its own, but it’s a recognised transdiagnostic factor to a range of mental health conditions like anxiety disorders, depression, eating disorders, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). 

Studies have found strong links between perfectionism and OCD-related behaviours. People may repeatedly check their work, seek reassurance, or avoid tasks altogether out of fear they won’t complete them perfectly – often a sign of perfectionism OCD.

Similarly, ADHD perfectionism can look like hyperfocusing on small details, followed by burnout or procrastination when the pressure to be flawless becomes too much.

It’s worth noting that these patterns, whether you call them perfectionism disorder or perfectionist tendencies, can become debilitating over time. But with the right support, they can be unlearned or at least better managed.

What causes perfectionism?

There’s no single answer to what causes perfectionism. It often grows out of a mix of upbringing or parenting styles you received, personality traits, social environment, and personal experiences. Some common influences include:

• Childhood upbringing: Growing up in an emotionally neglectful environment, or where love or praise felt conditional on achievements, can deeply affect how you see your worth.

• Cultural and societal pressures: In competitive workplaces or social media spaces, there’s a constant pressure to present yourself as always doing more, achieving more, and being more.

• Personality traits: Being conscientious, sensitive, or highly self-aware may make you more likely to develop perfectionist thinking and behaviours.

• Mental health challenges: OCD, anxiety, and low self-esteem are commonly intertwined with perfectionism.

• Moral ideals: If you’re raised around moral perfectionism, you’ll likely feel pressured to live flawlessly according to the ethical or spiritual values you were exposed to. While values can be grounding, expecting perfection in them can become emotionally exhausting.

When does perfectionism become harmful?

Having high standards isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It can motivate excellence, inspire personal growth, and push you to do your best. But issues arise when those standards become rigid or unrealistic, and when your self-worth becomes dependent on meeting them.

The table below summarises how healthy striving and maladaptive perfectionism differ.

How to overcome perfectionism?

Dealing with your perfectionism might sometimes feel like you’re settling for less, and that’s one mindset you’ll have to intentionally change.

In reality, it’s all about building a more compassionate, flexible relationship with your goals and your inner critic, and guiding yourself towards a more joyful, fulfilling life.

Here are some ways to begin:

1. Notice when it shows up

Keep a journal of moments when you feel stuck, overwhelmed, or find yourself over-editing. Patterns like procrastination, analysis paralysis, or harsh self-talk can be signs.

2. Challenge your inner critic

When you catch yourself thinking “This isn’t good enough,” ask yourself: “Would I say this to someone I care about?” Try to reframe it with more balanced, kind language.

3. Practice “good enough”

Intentionally allow small imperfections. Finish a project at 90% instead of chasing 100%. Let yourself be human.

4. Set achievable goals

Aim for progress, not perfection. Break big goals into smaller steps and celebrate each one.

5. Redefine failure

Failure isn’t a reflection of your worth. It’s part of the process. In fact, some of the most successful people in the world credit their failures for teaching them the most.

6. Reframe feedback

Instead of feeling defensive, try to view feedback as a learning tool, not a judgment of your character.

7. Make space for rest

You’re not a machine, and you need rest. If that feels hard, remind yourself that when you care for your wellbeing, your productivity actually improves. The more well-rested you are, the better you can show up for yourself, your goals, and the people you care about.

Final thoughts

Perfectionism often begins with a desire to do well. But when that desire turns into constant pressure, fear of failure, and a never-ending need to prove your worth, it becomes draining and even depressing. But you don’t have to live in that cycle.

You can be someone who strives for excellence without being consumed by it. You can care deeply about what you do and still give yourself permission to rest. You can make mistakes and still be worthy of love and respect.

If perfectionism is holding you back, know that it’s okay to ask for help. A therapist can guide you toward healthier habits, offer insight into what drives your perfectionism, and help you begin the journey to a more compassionate, more fulfilling approach in life.

References

• Alilou, M. M., Hashemi, T., & Sadr, F. E. (2022). Structural relationships between levels of perfectionism and obsessive-compulsive disorder symptoms: The mediating role of cognitive styles. International Journal of Health Sciences, 6(S7), 6574–6589. https://doi.org/10.53730/ijhs.v6nS7.13644

• Drieberg, H., McEvoy, P.M., Hoiles, K.J., Shu, C.Y., & Egan, S.J. (2019). An examination of direct, indirect and reciprocal relationships between perfectionism, eating disorder symptoms, anxiety, and depression in children and adolescents with eating disorders. Eating behaviours, 32, 53-59. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eatbeh.2018.12.002

• Patterson, H., Firebaugh, C.M., Zoinikov, T.R., Wardlow, R., Morgan, S.M., & Gordon, B. (2021). A systematic review on the psychological effects of perfectionism and accompanying treatment. Psychology, 12(1), DOI: 10.4236/psych.2021.121001