How to become emotionally available in a relationship

If you've ever been told you seem distant, emotionally closed off, or hard to read, or if you’ve caught yourself pulling away just as relationships start to deepen, you might be grappling with emotional unavailability.

It’s a pattern that often develops quietly and with good reason, rooted in past hurt, fear of vulnerability, or a long-standing habit of self-protection. Yet, while these defences may have once served a purpose, they can also stand in the way of something we all crave: genuine, trusting connection.

What it means to be emotionally available

At its core, emotional availability is the capacity to share your inner life with someone else. It involves recognising your own emotions, expressing them appropriately, and making space for others to do the same.

This kind of openness builds emotional intimacy, a key ingredient in meaningful, lasting connections.

In long-term relationships, emotional availability helps partners stay attuned to each other. It allows you to resolve conflicts with compassion, communicate clearly, and navigate life’s ups and downs together. It doesn’t mean that there’s never conflict or discomfort, but it does mean there’s room for honesty and empathy.

Emotionally available partners tend to:

• Share their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement

• Respond with care when their partner is upset

• Apologise when they’ve hurt someone and take responsibility

• Stay present, even during difficult conversations

• Show genuine interest in their partner’s emotional world

This kind of connection takes effort, and it doesn't happen overnight. But it is absolutely within reach, even if you've spent years keeping your guard up.

On the flip side, emotional unavailability can create a wall between you and your partner. When one or both people in a relationship can’t connect emotionally, it can feel like living parallel lives. You may be close in proximity, but you feel distant and alone emotionally.

Why some people struggle with vulnerability

Many people who seem emotionally unavailable aren’t choosing to be distant. Rather, they’ve learned to guard their emotions as a way of staying safe. For some, that self-protection started in childhood. Others may have become more closed off after experiencing betrayal, heartbreak, or emotional neglect.

If you grew up in a household where feelings were ignored, criticised, or met with silence, you may have learned early on to suppress your emotions. This can lead to what's known in psychology as an avoidant attachment style—a pattern where closeness feels threatening, and independence is prized above connection.

Others may have been in relationships with narcissists, where emotional expression was manipulated, belittled, or used against them. These kinds of experiences can leave lasting marks, causing people to associate vulnerability with danger rather than closeness.

It’s also worth acknowledging that men, in particular, often face greater challenges when it comes to vulnerability. Cultural expectations around masculinity can teach boys from a young age to suppress their emotions, avoid emotional expression, and equate vulnerability with weakness. These messages can carry into adulthood, making it even harder for men to open up in relationships. 

How to recognise emotional unavailability in yourself

You might find it hard to talk about your feelings, especially when they’re raw or uncomfortable. You may shut down during emotionally charged conversations or keep things light and surface-level, even with people close to you.

You might also resist making future plans, not because you don’t care, but because the idea of long-term commitment feels overwhelming. Or maybe you find it difficult to respond when someone else opens up emotionally, not out of cruelty, but because you simply don’t know how to meet them in that space.

Some people recognise a pattern of withdrawing when relationships start to feel too intense. Others might notice that they haven’t truly let anyone in, even in relationships that have lasted for years.

What causes emotional unavailability?

There isn’t one clear cause of emotional unavailability. For most people, it’s a mix of experiences and learned behaviours. Below are some of the most common contributing factors include:

• Early attachment wounds: Childhood environments that lacked emotional safety can teach us to suppress feelings or distrust closeness.

• Past relationship trauma: Being hurt by someone we trusted can make us hesitant to open up again.

• Mental health challenges: Conditions like anxiety or depression can make it harder to engage emotionally with others.

• Toxic past relationships: Especially with partners who showed narcissistic behaviours, emotional expression may have been criticised, dismissed, or weaponised.

• Internalised beliefs: Messages like "being emotional is weak" or "I can only rely on myself" often keep people from connecting deeply.

These patterns don’t mean you’re broken. But they do tell that you’ve been protecting yourself, sometimes in ways that no longer serve you.

Steps to becoming more emotionally available

The journey toward emotional availability is gradual, but every small step you take opens the door to deeper connection and more fulfilling relationships.

1. Start with emotional self-awareness

Spend time getting to know your emotional landscape. Journalling can be a powerful way to explore what you’re feeling and why. Try asking yourself: What emotion am I experiencing right now? What triggered it? What do I need in this moment?

2. Examine your beliefs about emotions

Pay attention to any critical inner dialogue that tells you emotions are dangerous or that you’re weak for having them. These beliefs often come from past experiences, not present realities. Rewriting them takes time and patience, but it’s essential.

3. Practice expressing vulnerability

Start small. Share something personal with a trusted friend or partner—something that feels a little uncomfortable, but not overwhelming. Let yourself sit in that space and notice what it feels like. Vulnerability is a muscle, and it gets stronger with use.

Therapy can also offer a safe, confidential space to explore and express these feelings at your own pace, without fear of judgement.

4. Reflect on your attachment style

Understanding how your early relationships shaped your emotional habits can be eye-opening. You might discover you have an avoidant or anxious attachment style, both of which affect how you connect. Working with a therapist can help you build a more secure attachment over time.

5. Seek out safe, supportive connections

Emotional availability grows in environments where you feel accepted. Surround yourself with people who honour your efforts, encourage openness, and respond with kindness when you share.

We can all learn to love more deeply

Becoming emotionally available doesn’t mean you have to bare your soul to everyone you meet. It means making a conscious choice to let the right people see the real you, not just the polished version. It’s about understanding that emotions, even the messy ones, are not flaws but bridges to connection.

If you're feeling stuck or unsure how to begin, therapy can be a valuable space to explore your emotional world. At Talked, we connect you with qualified Australian therapists who specialise in relationships, emotional growth, and trauma recovery.

Whether you're navigating emotional unavailability or trying to repair a strained connection, support is just a conversation away.