How to make friends at school (even if you’re shy or anxious)

Making friends at school can feel like one of the hardest parts of student life. Whether you’re starting at a new school, feel like the odd one out, or just haven’t found your people yet, the good news is: you're not alone, and it’s never too late to build connections that matter.

Friendships in school aren't just about fitting in. They're about finding people who see you, respect you, and make you feel safe to be yourself.

This guide is here to help you understand what makes a good friendship, how to recognise when one isn’t right for you, and how to start building friendships that lift you up, not drag you down.

But first, do friendships really matter?

A lot of people generally like to be alone and find friendships draining or unnecessary. And it’s completely okay and normal to genuinely enjoy your own company.

But, one thing you must know is that even the most introverted or bravest person needs a support system. Some of the benefits of having healthy friendships are:

• Feeling understood and supported

• Coping with stressful days

• Building confidence, social skills and resilience

According to Better Health, having healthy social connections can make a person feel happier and more content.  It’s also linked to higher self-esteem and lower rates of anxiety and depression. So, even if you're not the super-social type, having a few real connections can make a massive difference.

Be mindful of healthy vs unhealthy friendships

Before you start putting yourself out there, it’s important to know what kind of people you actually want to let into your life. Not everyone who seems friendly has your best interests at heart, and sometimes, what starts off as a fun connection can slowly turn into something toxic.

Healthy friendships feel safe, even if you have misunderstandings or a few rough patches along the way. On the flip side, unhealthy friendships often feel draining or even anxiety-inducing. Here are some signs to watch out for:

Sometimes, people-pleasing or low confidence make people stay in relationships that are not good for them. If you relate to that, it’s ideal to seek help from someone you trust, like a parent, an older sibling, or a teacher. You might also consider asking your parents about connecting you with a therapist.

So, how to make real friends at school?

1. Start with casual connections

You don’t have to aim for deep friendships right away. Some of the best school experiences come from light, everyday interactions that make your day more social and less lonely. Here are some tips to build those casual connections:

• Say “Hey” to familiar faces. You’d be surprised how quickly a smile or a simple greeting builds familiarity. Over time, you might start chatting or sitting near each other in class.

• Ask small questions. Try “Do you know what the homework was?” or “Did I miss anything in yesterday’s class?” These tiny interactions often lead to short conversations—and those moments add up.

• Sit near the same people regularly. Proximity helps create familiarity. If you often sit near the same person in maths or science, it becomes easier to start a casual chat.

• Join in lightly. If a group near you is talking about a trending video, a class assignment, or a meme you like, you can say something like, “Oh yeah, I watched that too. It’s so good!” You don’t have to lead the conversation—just show you're interested.

These mini-friendships make school feel less like you’re walking alone through a crowd and more like you’re part of a community, even if it's just in passing.

2. Use shared interests as a shortcut

Friendship gets easier when you're not forcing it. If you love music, gaming, sport, books, or art, there's probably someone else at school who loves it too. You don’t need to have everything in common. You just need one thing to start a connection. Try these:

• Join a club or team. Even if you’re nervous, go once. These spaces are designed to help people connect, and they give you something natural to talk about.

• Talk about class topics you enjoy. If someone makes an interesting point in class, you can say, “That was a cool idea you shared.” It sounds simple, but compliments are a powerful way to start a bond.

Be visible with your interests. Wearing a band tee, carrying a book you love, or having stickers on your laptop or water bottle can spark conversations with like-minded people.

3. Take small social risks

Making friends involves a bit of vulnerability or opening yourself up, which can be scary. But you don’t have to go from zero to “bestie” in a week. Try stepping just a little out of your comfort zone:

• Invite someone to work together on a class project.

• Ask if you can join a group during lunch instead of sitting alone.

• Suggest doing something after school, like going to the canteen, the library, or a school event.

If the idea of asking directly feels too much, you can say things like:

• “I was just heading to the library—want to come?”

• “Mind if I sit here?”

• “I’ve got no one in this group. Can I team up with you?”

The worst they can say is no—and if they do, that’s a sign they probably weren’t your people anyway. Keep trying. You’ll find the ones who say yes.

4. Let friendships build slowly

A lot of teens think friendship has to feel instant, like you click from day one and become inseparable. But most real friendships develop over time. The kid you sit next to in science today might become your closest mate in a few months, even if you only swap small talk right now.

It’s okay to start slow. Be consistent, kind, and present. Show up in little ways, laugh at their jokes, ask how their weekend was, check in after a tough or failed test. These things build trust over time.

5. Accept that some friendships stay casual

You don’t need to rely on one or two close friends to get through school. In fact, having a mix of connections can make you feel more supported and less pressured.

You might have a friend you sit with in art class, another one you joke around with at lunch, someone who messages you randomly about assignments, and one or two close mates you share deeper stuff with.

Each of these friendships plays a different role, and they’re all valuable. Don’t underestimate how much a simple “Hey, how was your weekend?” from a casual classmate can lift your day.

6. Be a friend to gain a friend

Friendships are a two-way street. If you want to feel seen, appreciated, and supported, try to offer that to others first. Here are a few ways to do that:

• Notice when someone’s sitting alone and offer to sit with them

• Ask follow-up questions that show you care: “How did your presentation go?” or “Feeling better today?”

• Celebrate their wins, big or small

• Respect their boundaries and listen without judgement

When people feel safe and supported around you, they’re more likely to open up and stick around.

School doesn’t have to feel like a place where you're constantly navigating loneliness or awkward silences. You don’t need to be best mates with everyone, but having a few real or even casual connections can make your school days lighter, more fun, and less stressful.

So be kind to yourself, take small steps, and remember: most people are hoping for connection just like you are. They’re just waiting for someone to start it.

Do social media friends count as real friends?

While social media can be a great way to stay in touch, it doesn’t always reflect what real friendship looks like. Just because someone likes all your posts or sends you memes doesn’t mean they truly know you or care about how you’re really feeling.

Online friendships can feel safe, especially for shy or anxious teens, but they shouldn't replace real-life connection. If you’re relying only on Instagram, TikTok, or Snapchat to feel "seen," you might end up feeling more alone than ever.

Real friendships happen in everyday moments—laughing at a teacher’s weird joke, helping each other out with assignments, or talking honestly about what’s going on in your life. That’s where connection lives, not in likes or followers.

What if you're feeling alone?

If you've tried to make friends and nothing seems to stick, or if you're dealing with stress at home or feeling down all the time, it’s okay to admit that things are tough. You might feel like you're the only one struggling, but the truth is, so many teens go through this silently.

It’s easy to think, “Everyone else has it together—I’m just weird,” but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Sometimes it’s not about you at all. It could be the environment you're in, the pressure you're under, or things happening at home that make socialising feel harder.

When things feel heavy, talking to a therapist can be a game changer. You don’t have to be at rock bottom to benefit from therapy. In fact, many teens see a mental health professional just to make sense of their feelings, learn how to set boundaries, build their self-esteem and confidence, or discuss small or big issues about school or their family.

Final thoughts

Making friends at school isn’t a race, and it’s definitely not about being popular. It’s about finding people you feel safe with, those who make you feel understood, accepted, and supported for who you are.

You don’t need to rush or force it. Trust your gut, take small steps, and give yourself permission to grow at your own pace. Sometimes, something as simple as a smile, a kind word, or a casual “Hey” can be the beginning of a real connection.

And remember: just like you want to feel included, so does everyone else. Reaching out to someone who’s sitting alone or checking in on a classmate can mean more than you realise. Real friendships are built on mutual care. And sometimes, being that safe person for someone else is exactly how you find your own people.