Moving through disenfranchised grief

Not all kinds of loss and grief are easy to talk about. When someone passes away, there are often rituals, sympathy, and shared stories. But some losses don’t get that kind of recognition.

You might be grieving something others can’t see or don’t fully understand, like the end of a short relationship, the passing of a pet, or a major shift in your role or identity.

When that happens, it can feel like your grief has no place to go. You’re still carrying the pain, but without acknowledgement and support. This kind of experience is often called disenfranchised grief.

What is disenfranchised grief?

Disenfranchised grief is grief that isn’t recognised by other people, communities, or social systems. The term was introduced by grief researcher Dr Kenneth Doka to describe mourning that does not receive the social support commonly associated with loss.

When your grief is not acknowledged, you may feel that you are not allowed to feel sad or that your pain is disproportionate. The lack of empathy from others can lead to withdrawal, embarrassment, or guilt for reacting to what you have lost. Some people try to hide their distress entirely, which can prevent healthy emotional processing.

Examples of disenfranchised grief

Disenfranchised grief often arises when the loss doesn’t align with what society typically views as “grievable.” You might be left mourning something very real, without the support or acknowledgement that usually comes with loss.

Here are some common experiences that can lead to disenfranchised grief:

• Pet loss: The death of a pet can bring overwhelming sadness, especially when your pet was a daily companion, a source of comfort, or regarded as a family member. Many people feel pressure to minimise their grief because it wasn’t a human loss, even though the bond was deeply meaningful.

• Pregnancy loss or miscarriage: Whether it happens early or later in pregnancy, this type of loss can bring intense grief. Because it often occurs in private and without formal rituals, others may not know what to say or may not acknowledge the loss at all.

• Relationship breakups or estrangement: The end of a romantic relationship, a deep friendship, a situationship, or a family bond can be emotionally devastating. When a relationship ends without death, others may expect you to move on quickly, even if you’re still mourning what the relationship meant to you.

• Loss due to stigma or silence: Grief following suicide, substance use, or incarceration can be complicated by shame, blame, or discomfort. This can make it hard to talk about the loss or seek support from others.

• Loss of identity, role, or future plans: Leaving a job you loved, retiring, losing physical abilities, or stepping out of a long-term caregiving role can lead to a sense of grief. Even if the change was expected or chosen, you might still mourn the part of your life that’s now gone.

How to cope and keep moving?

Acknowledge the loss

Healing begins when you recognise that your experience deserves space. You might do this by writing about your loss, talking to someone who listens without judgment, or simply giving yourself permission to feel whatever emotions arise.

You don’t need to justify the depth of your sadness to others. Naming what happened and how it affects you can relieve some of the pressure that builds when grief is hidden.

Seek support that respects your experience

Not everyone will understand your loss, but that doesn’t mean you must manage alone.

Many people find comfort speaking with a therapist who understands complicated or disenfranchised grief. Support groups for pet loss, miscarriage, relationship breakups, or identity transitions can also help you feel understood.

The relief often comes from being heard rather than being advised. When someone treats your grief as real, you may notice your body relax, and your emotions become easier to sit with.

Create private or personal rituals

Grief without ritual can feel unfinished. If there’s no funeral or public acknowledgement, you can create your own way of honouring the loss. You might keep a photo or memory box, light a candle on meaningful dates, plant something in remembrance, or write a goodbye letter. 

Personal rituals allow you to express care and respect for what matters to you. They affirm that the loss has meaning, even if others never witnessed it.

Care for your physical and emotional needs

Grief affects sleep, appetite, concentration, and energy. When you’re grieving, whether it’s acknowledged or not, it’s only normal to become withdrawn, irritable, or have difficulty engaging with everyday tasks.

To help yourself, try to look after your body with regular food, gentle movement, and rest when you feel tired. Both emotional and physical challenges are normal when someone is grieving, so give yourself time and compassion to slowly move through the pain.

Final thoughts

Disenfranchised grief asks you to carry something heavy without recognition. The weight is real, and feeling unsupported can make it even harder to cope. When you validate your own experience, seek compassionate support, and create meaningful rituals, you offer yourself what the outside world may have missed.

Grief becomes less overwhelming when it has a place to go. Speaking with a therapist who understands hidden or complex forms of loss can provide that place. With time, emotional safety, and steady care, the intensity of grief can soften, and life can begin to expand again, even while you honour what is no longer here.