Why am I so hard on myself?

Wanting to grow and improve often leads to meaningful progress. But when your inner voice becomes a constant critic, driven by comparison, unmet expectations, or fear of judgment, then any achievement will feel lacking. You’d keep ending up frustrated, and it can be really hard to feel successful, no matter how hard you try.

Thankfully, this pattern can change. This article explores why we can be so hard on ourselves, how to recognise when self‑pressure becomes unhealthy, and how to cultivate a more compassionate inner life without losing your drive.

Why are we too hard on ourselves?

It might feel like your self‑criticism came out of nowhere, but there are usually emotional and psychological roots to it. Let’s try to understand them here.

1. Early experiences

The way we learned to relate to others early in life often shapes how we relate to ourselves now. If affection or approval felt conditional – available when you achieved something, behaved a certain way, or met expectations – you may have learned to equate worth with performance.

This kind of early experience can lead to what psychologists call insecure attachment, where you feel safer striving than resting, and where approval feels dependent on achievement.

As adults, that internal voice that pushed you to “do more” might still be running in the background, even when you don’t need it anymore. It can sound like a critic whose standards always feel just out of reach.

2. Self-comparison

Comparing yourself with others is something almost everyone does. But today’s environment makes it especially hard to escape comparison. Social media shows snapshots of people’s best moments, accomplishments, and milestones. Even if you logically know you’re not seeing the whole picture, your brain interprets these images as standards you should meet.

It’s easy to forget that these are curated highlights, not the full reality. When comparison becomes automatic, it fuels negative self‑talk and makes your own progress feel smaller or unseen.

3. Unhelpful thinking patterns

There are common thinking habits or cognitive distortions that feed self‑criticism. Here are some examples:

• thinking in all‑or‑nothing terms, where anything less than perfect feels like failure

• generalising from one experience to your whole ability

• minimising or ignoring your accomplishments

These patterns don’t reflect the truth. They’re mental shortcuts that make problems feel bigger and your strengths feel smaller. However, with awareness and a bit of self-kindness, these patterns can start to loosen their grip. Over time, you can replace them with thoughts that are more balanced, supportive and true.

When pushing yourself becomes unhealthy

Pushing yourself can be a good thing. It helps you grow, build skills, and reach your goals. But when that drive is fuelled by pressure to prove your worth or keep up with others, it can become overwhelming and unsustainable. What starts as motivation can slowly turn into perfectionism, where nothing ever feels quite good enough.

This constant pressure can lead to mental and physical burnout, wounded relationships, or even disconnection from what really matters to you. You might start feeling disconnected from the people and hobbies that once brought you joy because everything begins to feel like a task or something to perfect.

If you're always chasing goals just to feel worthy or better than someone else, it's worth taking a step back. Growth should support your wellbeing, not come at the cost of it. 

How to be kinder to yourself?

If self-kindness feels icky, here’s something you should know: it doesn’t mean settling for less or ignoring areas where you want to grow. It means treating yourself with understanding, gentleness, and respect, especially on difficult days.

And this can actually help you feel more driven!

1. Practising self‑compassion

Self‑compassion means caring for yourself in the same way you would care for a good friend who is struggling. Some ways to practise are:

• being warm and understanding toward yourself instead of harshly critical

• recognising that other people also struggle and that imperfection is part of being human

• staying present with your emotions without letting them overwhelm you

Often, the warmth and words you offer a friend are kinder and more encouraging than the ones you choose for yourself. This time, try to intentionally give yourself the same kindness.

2. Using grounding techniques to be more present

When your mind is full of criticism and anxiety, grounding can help bring you back to the present moment. Some examples are:

• taking a few slow, gentle breaths and noticing how your body feels

• placing your feet on the floor and feeling the support beneath you

• journalling about small wins from your day, even if they feel ordinary

These moments of presence help quiet the noise of comparison and self‑judgment so you can connect with your own experience more clearly.

3. Reducing unhelpful comparison

Social media and even everyday conversations with friends and coworkers can make it easy to fall into the habit of self-comparison. Even when you know people are only sharing highlights, it can still trigger feelings of not measuring up.

When you catch yourself comparing or feeling discouraged by someone else’s success, it helps to pause and check in with what’s coming up for you. That quick spiral of “I’m not doing enough” often masks a deeper need: maybe for rest, reassurance or simply a reminder that your path is different. Taking a moment to reflect instead of react can interrupt the pattern and bring you back to yourself.

You don’t have to completely avoid social media or others’ wins to feel okay. But creating space between what you see and what you believe about yourself can protect your confidence. Curate what you consume, stay close to your own values, and gently remind yourself that success isn’t a competition.

4. Doing things that deeply matter to you

Sometimes, the best way to step out of self‑criticism is to focus outward. When you engage in activities that help others, like volunteering, supporting a friend, or connecting with your community, you serve a purpose that goes beyond your personal achievements.

Helping others can remind you of your value in ways that don’t depend on performance or comparison. These experiences can also build empathy, perspective and joy that come from connection rather than competition.

5. Setting realistic goals and boundaries

Goals can be motivating when they are clear, manageable and aligned with your values. Try breaking larger goals into smaller steps, celebrating progress along the way, and adjusting expectations when life changes.

Setting boundaries is equally important. Knowing when to say no protects your energy and prevents burnout. It also reinforces that your time and wellbeing matter.

Final thoughts

It’s easy to be hard on yourself, especially when you’ve spent years measuring your worth through achievements, comparison, or meeting others’ expectations. But constant self-criticism? What it really does is wear you down and disconnect you from the parts of yourself that are already doing well.

You can still aim high and work toward your goals, but with more balance, care, and self-kindness. If your inner critic feels too loud or too persistent to manage on your own, reaching out to a trusted friend or even therapist can help. Therapy gives you a safe space to understand where your self-criticism comes from and how to build a healthier, more supportive relationship with yourself.