17 relationship red flags to watch out for

Healthy relationships can be an incredible source of joy, comfort, and safety. But when certain words and behaviours make you question your worth, and when nothing’s being done to address it, then it’s only right to step back a little, reflect, and recalibrate on what you’re willing to tolerate or compromise on.

Doubts about your partner are hard to ignore, and often, they’re trying to tell you something that deserves attention.

Let’s explore what relationship red flags really look like, and how to tell when they’ve crossed the line from uncomfortable to unacceptable.

When a red flag becomes a deal breaker

No relationship is perfect, and it’s completely normal to have disagreements, miscommunications, or differences in personality and emotional needs.

But there’s a difference between ordinary relationship challenges and patterns that leave you feeling dismissed, confused, controlled, or afraid.

A red flag becomes a deal breaker when:

• You consistently feel unsafe, anxious, or small around your partner

• Your concerns are dismissed or turned back on you

• You’re constantly walking on eggshells

• Your partner refuses to reflect, communicate honestly, or take responsibility for harmful behaviours

In healthy relationships, both people feel heard, respected, and safe. Yes, even when things get hard. If that’s not your experience, here are some signs it might be time to take a closer look.

1. Excessive jealousy

Jealousy happens. But if your partner is constantly suspicious, questions your every move, or tries to control who you see or talk to, this can quickly become toxic.

Jealousy that leads to isolation, accusations, or unreasonable demands can quickly turn into controlling, unloving behaviours.

2. Repeated lying or cheating

Being lied to or cheated on shakes the very foundation of your relationship. It’s not just a trust issue but also a safety issue. When your sense of safety in the relationship is broken, especially more than once, it can leave behind deep hurt, confusion, or even an overwhelming fear of being betrayed again.

While some couples get to rebuild after a betrayal, the damage may run too deep for others. If there’s no genuine accountability, no willingness to make things right, or if you find yourself constantly doubting your partner, it’s okay for this to be a deal-breaker.

3. Emotional unavailability

Not everyone has learned to express emotions or connect deeply, especially if they didn’t grow up with emotionally present adults. That context matters, but it doesn’t excuse a partner refusing to understand or meet your emotional needs.

It becomes a red flag when there’s no effort to grow, no curiosity about how you feel, and no willingness to show up emotionally. If your partner keeps shutting down your bid for emotional connection, that could be a red flag to walk away from.

4. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is when someone makes you doubt your own memory, feelings, or reality. They might deny events that you know for sure happened. Or they might say things like “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re just imagining things” when you’re trying to express hurt or confusion.

Gaslighting can make you feel like you can’t trust yourself, and such damage can bleed into other relationships.

5. Anger issues

Everyone gets frustrated. But frequent shouting, losing control, or using anger to intimidate can create a frightening environment. If your partner can’t manage their anger or scares you when they're upset, this isn’t something to ignore.

6. Any form of violence

Pushing, hitting, grabbing, throwing things, or even threatening violence are clear signs of danger. This is never acceptable. If you’re in a relationship where violence has happened — even once — you should reach out for support.

7. Public shaming or humiliation

A partner who makes fun of you in front of others, mocks your insecurities, or puts you down to get a laugh is not showing respect. These “jokes” often cut deep and make you question your worth.

8. Controlling behaviours

It’s normal for a partner to care about your wellbeing and how you show up to others. But there’s a big difference between care and control. A partner setting rules about what you can wear or say, whom you can text or see, or tracking your movements, crosses a line.

These behaviours are more about dominance and control than love. In a healthy relationship, both people are free to be themselves while still being connected and respectful towards each other.

9. Narcissistic behaviours

Some people may show patterns of self-importance, a lack of empathy, or an unwillingness to consider anyone else’s needs. If your partner always makes things about them, dismisses your emotions, or struggles to take responsibility, it might be worth looking into narcissistic behaviours.

10. Avoiding conflict or vulnerability

It’s natural to feel uncomfortable with conflict, but avoiding every difficult conversation makes true connection nearly impossible.

If your partner consistently shuts down, changes the subject, or walks away when emotions come up, that can leave you feeling unheard and emotionally alone. This kind of avoidance can create distance and frustration.

11. Inconsistency or hot and cold behaviour

While life can bring different stressors every day and affect how a person shows up, feeling like you matter to your partner one day and then unimportant the next is not normal. 

If you're constantly unsure of where you stand, it’s important to talk about it. Feeling secure in a relationship means knowing your place in it doesn’t disappear with your partner’s mood.

12. Refusing to take responsibility

Mistakes happen, but when someone constantly blames others, avoids apologies, or refuses to change hurtful behaviour, it blocks any chance for a healthy relationship dynamic.

13. Love bombing

In the early days, love bombing can feel intoxicating. Constant compliments, gifts, and declarations of love can make anyone feel like they’re on cloud nine.

But if that intensity fades quickly and is followed by withdrawal or control, it can be a tactic to gain influence before revealing harmful patterns.

14. Ignoring or disrespecting boundaries

Respecting boundaries is a basic part of any healthy relationship. If a partner pushes you or guilts you for having boundaries, that’s worth looking into.

Whether it’s about physical intimacy, needing time alone, or emotional space, both partners’ boundaries deserve respect.

15. Belittling your dreams or goals

It’s okay for your partner to offer honest feedback about your goals, especially if something needs more thought or planning. That kind of support can be helpful when it comes from a place of care and respect.

But if they regularly put down your ideas, laugh at your goals, or make you feel small for wanting more, that’s not support. It’s dismissive, and that can affect both your present and future aspirations.

16. Hiding financial information

Keeping secret debts, lying about money, or refusing to include you in financial decisions can create serious power imbalances. Financial manipulation is a common but often overlooked red flag, especially in long-term relationships or marriages.

17. Codependency

Being close is beautiful, but losing yourself in a relationship is not. If you feel like you can’t function without your partner, or you’re always putting their needs ahead of your own, you may be caught in an unhealthy, codependent pattern. Therapy can help untangle this and support you in practising a healthier attachment.

Final thoughts

Seeing a red flag doesn’t mean you have to end the relationship immediately. Sometimes, people genuinely don’t realise the impact of their behaviour and are open to learning, doing inner work, and healing together, especially with the support of therapy or relationship counselling.

But if you’re feeling unsafe, unseen, or stuck in patterns that leave you drained, it might be time to reconsider the relationship and what might be a healthier path for both of you.