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Signs of codependency, and what you can do to heal

In a Nutshell

  • Codependency often looks like being loving and sacrificial to your partner, but it has a way of damaging your emotional wellbeing, boundaries, and sense of identity.

  • It may show up as people-pleasing, constant anxiety about your partner, or losing sight of your own needs.

  • Healing can happen step by step through self-awareness, learning to set boundaries, and seeking support that helps you grow and feel more grounded.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. At times, one person may give more or offer support when their partner needs it. But if you find yourself always putting someone else’s needs first, feeling anxious about their moods, or struggling to speak up for yourself, it might be a sign of codependency.

Codependent patterns often develop over time, shaped by early experiences and relationships. Thankfully, they can be unlearned and healed. 

What exactly is codependency?

Codependency is a relationship pattern where one person consistently sacrifices their own emotional needs, desires, and wellbeing to meet someone else’s

While the signs of codependency can look different for everyone, there are some common symptoms, including:

  • Avoiding conflict by staying silent even when something feels unfair

  • Putting your partner’s happiness above your own

  • Taking on more than your share of responsibility in the relationship

  • Feeling anxious if your partner seems withdrawn or upset

  • Feeling unsure of who you are outside the relationship

  • Believing that your worth comes from being needed or helpful

These behaviours often stem from a deep need for approval, connection, or safety. They can slowly build into a person’s habits and relationship patterns if left unchecked.

How to overcome and heal from codependency?

Healing from codependency is a gradual, deeply personal process. It involves reconnecting with yourself, learning to set healthy boundaries, and creating space for mutual care in your relationships. These steps can help support your growth and healing:

1. Explore your attachment style

Your attachment style often shapes how you relate to others emotionally. If you have an anxious attachment style, you might constantly worry about being abandoned or seek reassurance. If you are more avoidant, you might pull away or shut down emotionally when things get intense.

Understanding these patterns helps you become more self-aware and compassionate, both with yourself and your partner.

2. Reflect on your early influences

Consider how love and safety were modelled to you during childhood. Did you feel heard and supported, or were you expected to stay quiet, be helpful, or not cause trouble?

These early experiences can leave a lasting imprint, but they don't have to define how you connect today. With awareness and reflection, you can begin to understand those old patterns and gently shift how they influence your current relationships.

3. Rebuild your sense of self

When codependency takes hold, it’s easy to lose sight of who you are outside the relationship. You might find yourself constantly focused on your partner’s needs, while your own preferences, passions, and even personality feel distant or unclear.

To gently reconnect with yourself, it helps to reflect on things like activities that bring you joy, relaxation, or emotional and mental nourishment. You might want to revisit an old hobby, take a quiet walk, spend time with someone who knows you deeply, or simply make space to ponder how you want to see yourself. 

4. Set boundaries that honour your values

Relationships naturally involve compromise, especially in marriage. But when sacrifice becomes constant and your needs are rarely considered, it can lead to imbalance and resentment.

Setting clear boundaries helps protect your emotional wellbeing and keep the relationship respectful and mutual. This might mean asking for quiet time, saying no when you're overwhelmed, or speaking up when something feels unfair.

5. Allow space for discomfort

Setting boundaries or asking for what you need can bring up discomfort. If you’re not used to communicating your needs, it’s normal to worry your partner will feel hurt, pull away, or not understand where you're coming from.

But try to sit with the discomfort instead of rushing to smooth things over. Being open with your partner about your feelings, including your worries, can also help build mutual understanding and create a deeper sense of emotional safety in the relationship.

6. Recognise and release responsibility loops

Sometimes, one partner unconsciously relies on the other to manage tasks or emotions they could handle themselves. This might show up as forgetfulness, helplessness, or avoidance (sometimes called weaponised incompetence).

If this sounds familiar, try stepping back and allowing your partner to take ownership of their part. Support does not mean doing everything.

7. Focus on rebuilding trust

Trust is often an issue in codependent relationships. This includes trust in yourself and in your partner.

To try to rebuild trust, begin with small moments of vulnerability and follow-through. Speak your truth gently, follow up on your own needs, and be open to your partner’s feedback.

In relationships with more serious breakdowns in communication or boundaries, seeking couples therapy can provide a safe space to rebuild mutual trust, clarity, and connection.

8. Tune in to your body

Your body can often sense emotional patterns before your mind catches up. Notice how you feel physically in moments of stress, guilt, or overgiving. Is your chest tight? Your stomach knotted? Your breath shallow?

When you notice these signs, take a moment to pause. Breathe deeply, place your feet on the floor, and ask yourself what you truly need in that moment. Practising mindfulness and grounding techniques can help here.

9. Work with a therapist familiar with codependent dynamics

An experienced therapist can help unpack deeper emotional patterns, challenge internalised beliefs, and support you in rebuilding your identity, setting boundaries, and practising secure attachment behaviours.

If you and your partner are both open to change, couples therapy can also help you understand how your dynamic formed and how to work together to build healthier patterns.

Final thoughts

Codependency can feel like you’re carrying the weight of the relationship alone, while losing sight of your own voice. But healing is absolutely possible. With time, support, and self-reflection, you can begin to create relationships where care flows both ways, where your needs are heard, and where love includes you too.

If this sounds like the right time to take that next step, consider speaking with a therapist through Talked. The right support can help you begin to rebuild trust, connection, and a more fulfilling relationship with yourself and your partner.

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