How stonewalling hurts you & your relationships

If you tend to go silent or shut down during emotionally charged conversations, you might be engaging in what psychologists call stonewalling. It’s a behaviour that often begins as a way to avoid conflict or emotional pain, but over time, it quietly undermines trust, safety, and intimacy.

Stonewalling can appear in any relationship. Whether you’ve been stonewalled or have found yourself doing it, understanding this pattern is essential for building meaningful, resilient connections. This is especially important for those in long-term partnerships or parenting roles, where communication is foundational and also affects children’s mental health and development.

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is when someone shuts down or withdraws emotionally during a conflict. This might look like avoiding eye contact, giving one-word answers, walking away, or going completely silent. It’s one of the most common signs of emotional disengagement in intimate relationships.

Stonewalling is one of the Four Horsemen of relationship breakdown, as identified by Dr. John Gottman. The other three are criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. When stonewalling shows up frequently, it signals deeper issues in how partners manage emotional stress and communicate needs.

Intentional vs. unintentional stonewalling

• Intentional stonewalling is used to punish, control, or emotionally manipulate another person. In some cases, when someone uses silence to dominate or hurt, this crosses into emotional abuse.

• Unintentional stonewalling, however, often stems from being emotionally overwhelmed or not knowing how to express feelings. Many people don’t even realise they’re doing it.

Regardless of intention, being stonewalled can feel like abandonment. And for the person doing the stonewalling, it can reinforce loneliness and internalised shame.

Why do we do it?

Stonewalling typically arises as a coping mechanism. The brain perceives emotional intensity as a threat, and in response, it activates a stress response: fight, flight, or freeze. Stonewalling is part of that “freeze” or “flight” mode.

Here are some psychological factors that contribute to stonewalling:

• Emotional flooding: When emotions become overwhelming, shutting down can feel like the only option.

• Fear of conflict: Some people stonewall to avoid escalation, fearing they might say something hurtful or be met with rejection.

• Learned parenting style: If you grew up in a household where emotions were ignored or dismissed, you might have learned that silence equals safety.

• Low emotional literacy: If you weren’t taught how to name or express feelings, shutting down becomes the default.

• Past trauma or emotional neglect: If vulnerability once led to emotional harm, withdrawing may have become a necessary form of self-protection.

Although stonewalling often starts as self-preservation, it gradually becomes a barrier to connection.

Why stonewalling hurts

Stonewalling may feel like emotional armour, but it leaves both partners exposed to pain. Worse, it can result in lasting damage to your current and even future relationships.

1. It creates emotional distance

One of the most immediate emotional effects of stonewalling is disconnection. The partner who is stonewalled often feels abandoned, dismissed, or unseen. They may begin to question their worth or internalise the silence as rejection.

2. It prevents resolution and healing

Healthy conflict resolution requires presence and vulnerability. When stonewalling stops conversations in their tracks, issues stay unresolved. Over time, unspoken problems grow and resentment builds, leading to emotional withdrawal on both sides.

3. It damages your own emotional health

Stonewalling doesn’t just hurt the relationship – it also hurts you. Avoiding emotions repeatedly can lead to numbness, anxiety, or emotional shutdown. You may struggle to understand or express what you feel, leading to loneliness even in the presence of others.

4. It reinforces unhealthy patterns

Without self-awareness and healing, stonewalling can become a recurring behaviour that sabotages future relationships. You may find yourself repeating the same unhealthy patterns, even with new partners or friends.

5. It affects your kids

If children witness frequent stonewalling between caregivers, they may interpret emotional distance as normal or even expected. This can contribute to poor emotional regulation, low self-worth, or fear of emotional expression. In terms of parenting style, modelling withdrawal teaches children to fear conflict instead of learning to face it with resilience.

These effects ripple through their development, impacting children’s mental health and their ability to form emotionally safe relationships. On the flip side, building children’s confidence and emotional resilience starts with showing them what healthy repair and communication look like.

How to build healthier relationship and conflict-management skills

Here are a few gentle but powerful ways to veer away from stonewalling and shift to healthier patterns.

1. Build self-awareness

Start noticing when you tend to stonewall. What are the triggers? Is it a raised voice? A particular tone? A certain topic? Naming your patterns is the first step toward changing them.

2. Learn to pause without shutting down

It’s okay to take a break, but you should learn to communicate. Say something like: “I feel overwhelmed right now and need ten minutes. I’m not walking away from this. I’ll come back.” This keeps the door open to connection and repair.

3. Expand your emotional vocabulary

Practice naming your emotions: “I feel nervous,” “I’m confused,” “This makes me feel small.” Building emotional language helps reduce fear around vulnerability.

4. Address the root

If stonewalling feels automatic, it may be linked to unresolved emotional neglect, trauma, or learned behaviours from childhood. Counselling or therapy can help uncover and heal these roots, giving you the tools to stay emotionally engaged.

5. Commit to emotional growth

Whether you're in a long-term relationship or parenting young children, every effort you make toward emotional presence helps create a safer, more connected environment. Your healing becomes a model for your relationships and a loving gift to your family.

Final thoughts

Stonewalling may have once been your shield, a way to stay safe when emotions felt too big or overwhelming. But over time, it becomes a wall that not only keeps others out but also keeps your own needs, desires, and feelings buried.

Thankfully, there is a healthier way. By understanding what stonewalling is, recognising the emotional effects of stonewalling, and making small shifts in how you communicate, you can begin to repair and rebuild the relationships that matter most to you.

And if you’re a parent or hope to be, your efforts today can help break the cycle of emotional neglect – replacing silence with connection, and fear with confidence. It’s never too late to choose presence over protection, and healing over habit.