Weaponised incompetence & how it hurts your relationships

Most people have come across someone who seems to get out of tasks by claiming they're not good at them. Over time, this behaviour can create strain, especially when it falls on someone else to pick up the slack.

In relationships, workplaces, and even school settings, this dynamic - known as weaponised incompetence - can lead to resentment, emotional distance, and even burnout.

In clinical practice, it's not uncommon to see couples or teams struggling with repeated patterns of one person avoiding responsibility while the other becomes overwhelmed. Let’s take a deeper look at why this happens through the succeeding sections.

What is weaponised incompetence?

Weaponised incompetence is when a person repeatedly avoids responsibility by acting incapable, even though they may be perfectly able to manage the task. This can involve anything from not knowing how to clean properly to struggling with basic scheduling or planning.

Intentional vs unintentional

Sometimes it's done deliberately, such as pretending not to know how to do something so someone else will step in. In workplaces, this is often linked to what some people call “quiet quitting.”

Other times, it can be unintentional. A person might genuinely feel unsure or lack confidence, but avoid learning over time, which leads to the same pattern of others carrying more of the load.

What it looks like in relationships

Weaponised incompetence can appear in many forms in personal relationships, including:

• Chores and daily tasks: A partner says they can't cook or fold laundry correctly, so the other ends up doing it every time.

• Mental load: Remembering appointments, managing children’s needs, or planning events is dismissed with "I'm not good at that," which often leaves one person juggling it all.

• Decision-making: Rather than participating, one partner constantly says, "Whatever you think," and avoids input altogether.

These patterns may seem minor at first, but they tend to build over time. If not resolved, this could later lead to emotional bursts, emotional withdrawal, or even separation.

What it looks like in schools and workplaces

While it's often discussed in the context of romantic relationships or households, weaponised incompetence also shows up in professional and academic settings.

• In classrooms: A student repeatedly says they don’t understand group project tasks and avoids contributing, leaving others to finish the work.

• In the workplace: An employee regularly claims confusion over routine tasks or tools, expecting someone else to take over or correct their work.

Consistent task avoidance can be deeply frustrating, especially for team leads and those who have proven themselves to be reliable teammates or colleagues. Often, these reliable individuals end up struggling with exhaustion, resentment, and low satisfaction with their job.

How to respond to someone who keeps making excuses for their incompetence?

1. Start with curiosity, not accusation

It can be helpful to begin by assuming the person might feel overwhelmed or unsure. A question like, "What part of this do you find tricky?" opens up dialogue without jumping to conclusions.

2. Be clear and specific

Clearly outline what needs doing and who’s responsible. Vague requests often get vague responses. Using a shared list or responsibility table helps keep things visible and trackable.

When tasks are outlined clearly, it’s easier to spot gaps and address them calmly.

3. Offer support, but don’t over-function

If it’s a genuine skill gap, offering to teach or share resources can be supportive. However, stepping in every time often reinforces the pattern. A balance of patience and limits is key.

4. Communicate impact without blame

Let the person know how their repeated avoidance affects you. Use "I" statements, like: "I feel stressed when I have to manage everything alone. It’d help me a lot if we shared this more evenly."

5. Hold steady with boundaries

If the same excuses keep showing up, it’s okay to set firm boundaries. For example, "I need you to be responsible for this next time. If it’s not done, I won’t step in to fix it."

Final thoughts

Weaponised incompetence can quietly disrupt relationships by creating unequal roles and emotional fatigue. When one person consistently avoids effort, it sends a message that their partner’s time or wellbeing matters less.

That’s why it’s important to notice these patterns early, speak up with clarity, and support change when it’s possible. Working with a therapist can help couples unpack underlying dynamics, rebuild mutual respect, and develop practical skills to reset how tasks and responsibilities are shared.