When to divorce: Glaring and subtle signs your marriage is over

There’s no easy way to say it: recognising that your marriage may be over is one of the most emotionally complex and painful experiences anyone can face.

For some, the signs are loud and undeniable. For others, they’re subtle, like a slow emotional drift that quietly pulls you and your partner apart, even as you continue sharing the same roof each day.

Talked therapists often sit with individuals and couples who are unsure whether their marriage is going through a tough season or if it’s time to consider separation. Let’s look into the obvious and less obvious signs your marriage is over, when therapy might help, and how to prepare for the journey ahead.

We also understand that for many people, especially those from strong cultural, religious, or family traditions, even contemplating getting divorced can feel like a betrayal of values or community expectations.

If you're feeling torn between your emotional wellbeing and what others may think or expect of you, know that you're not alone. This article is not here to tell you what decision to make, but to offer another perspective. Speaking with a qualified therapist, particularly someone who understands your cultural or faith background, can help you explore your options with clarity and compassion.

Clear signs your marriage may be over

Some signs that your marriage has reached a breaking point are difficult to ignore. These may include:

Complete emotional disconnection

A feeling of being more like roommates than romantic partners. In some cases, the distance becomes so normalised that you hardly notice you've been living in a sexless marriage for months, or even years.

Chronic infidelity

When one partner repeatedly breaks the trust of the relationship through ongoing affairs, it becomes a pattern of emotional harm. They may apologise, promise to change, and offer temporary reassurance, only to return to the same behaviours. This cycle can be emotionally abusive and leave the other partner questioning their self-worth.

Abuse of any kind

Physical, emotional, sexual, psychological, or financial abuse is never acceptable and is a strong indicator that the marriage is not safe for you and your children. Even if the abuse hasn’t been directed at your children, the environment created by harmful words and behaviours can have lasting effects on their emotional wellbeing.

Frequent and unresolved conflict

When every conversation turns into a fight—or when one partner refuses to engage, dismisses concerns, or gaslights the other—even small issues become exhausting. Without resolution, tension builds, communication breaks down, and resentment grows on both sides.

Contempt

The Gottman Institute has identified contempt as one of the strongest predictors of divorce.  It stems from a deep sense of disrespect, disgust, or superiority over one’s partner, and often shows up through behaviours like eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling, mockery, or stonewalling.

Contempt is especially damaging because it undermines emotional safety and connection. Being on the receiving end can leave a person feeling belittled, ashamed, or unworthy of love and respect.

Subtle & overlooked signs your marriage is headed for divorce

Not all signs are dramatic. In fact, many marriages end not in explosive fights but in slow emotional decay. Here are some of the quieter signals that your relationship may be in deep trouble:

You feel most like yourself when your partner isn’t around

Rather than feeling free and secure with your spouse, you notice you can only fully exhale when they’re not there. If being apart feels lighter than being together, emotional withdrawal may be taking root.

Meaningful conversations have all but disappeared

You may still talk about chores, the kids, or what’s for dinner, but deeper conversations have stopped. The habit of sharing thoughts, worries, or dreams fades, and silence starts to fill the emotional space between you.

Everyday behaviours start to annoy you

It’s normal to have pet peeves, but when small habits trigger disproportionate irritation, it may be masking unresolved tension. Eye-rolling, sighs, or biting comments can become routine, which are signs of a relationship slipping quietly.

You don’t feel excited or proud of each other’s achievements

If one of you lands a promotion or achieves a goal, and the other barely responds (or worse, seems disinterested),  it may point to emotional detachment or underlying resentment.

You’ve stopped asking about each other’s lives

Curiosity is a key part of staying emotionally connected. When you no longer ask how their day was, what they’re thinking about, or how they’re feeling, it suggests the emotional investment is fading.

There’s no shared vision for the future anymore

Whether it’s about retirement plans, travel, or where to live next, couples usually plan ahead together. If future plans now feel like a solo activity, or you can’t picture your partner in them,that disconnection may be telling.

You feel unsupported, even when they’re physically present

One of the most painful experiences in a relationship is feeling completely alone while sitting next to your spouse. If emotional or even physical and financial needs are repeatedly unmet, it can feel lonelier than being single.

You avoid bringing things up to prevent conflict

You may find yourself staying silent about your feelings or letting things go, not because you’ve forgiven, but because you feel it’s not worth the emotional fallout. Over time, this creates a pattern of emotional suppression and quiet resentment.

There’s a subtle erosion of respect

Respect doesn't always disappear with insults. Sometimes it fades through sarcasm, dismissive comments, or ignoring your partner’s perspective. These small shifts can quietly undermine the relationship’s foundation.

You’re emotionally checked out

You’re not angry, you’re not sad. You’re just indifferent.

If your partner’s words or actions no longer move you in any direction, and emotional responses feel absent, this kind of numbness may be a sign that the connection has faded beyond repair.

Can therapy help, or is it too late?

Not every troubled marriage has to end. In some cases, individual therapy or marriage counselling can be transformative when both partners are willing to work and change.

When marriage counselling can help:

• There's a shared desire to improve communication

• You’re both open to feedback and committed to change

• Issues are based on misunderstandings or poor conflict resolution, not abuse or deep contempt.

When individual therapy may be better:

• You’re unsure of what you want and need support to gain clarity

• There’s abuse or manipulation in the relationship

• You’ve already decided to leave, but need support to prepare and cope with the change

Therapy isn’t always about saving the relationship. It can be about helping you gain clarity, understand what's not working, and decide whether to rebuild or part ways with care and respect. For some separated couples, a counselling session can also help in navigating co-parenting arrangements and adjustments.

Final thoughts

Recognising that your marriage may be over is never easy, especially when children, cultural or religious beliefs, and family expectations are involved. These pressures can make the decision feel overwhelming, even when you're deeply unhappy or emotionally disconnected.

But choosing to leave a relationship that no longer feels safe, respectful, or nurturing isn’t selfish—it’s a brave step toward protecting your and your children’s wellbeing. You’re allowed to want peace, clarity, and emotional stability, even if others may not fully understand.

Whether you're still unsure or beginning to accept the end, you don't have to face it alone. Speaking with someone you trust (a friend, a relative, or a therapist) can offer support, restore your sense of self, and remind you that you’re not alone.