How to rebuild (or leave) a sexless marriage

It can feel uncomfortable and painful to admit that you and your partner aren’t as intimate as you hope to be. But here’s the truth: you’re far from alone, and there are ways to turn things around.

About 14.6% of couples are living in a sexless marriage, according to the Australian Study of Health and Relationships, and only 0.7% of those surveyed said they were okay with it. 

Whether you’re unhappy with a sexless marriage, or you’re content with it but you worry about your partner, this guide will help you understand the different factors that lead to short-term or long-term dry spells, how you can cope and repair, and when to consider walking away.

Is my marriage sexless?

There’s no universal rule for how often married couples should have sex. Some couples are happy being intimate several times a month, while others are content with very little or none at all. 

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A sexless marriage becomes problematic only when one or both partners feel disconnected, unloved, or dissatisfied.

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A sexless marriage is typically defined as a relationship in which a couple has sex fewer than 10 times per year. It may also describe a relationship where intimacy has disappeared altogether.

But it’s not always a red flag. Some couples genuinely feel fulfilled without regular sex. A sexless marriage becomes problematic only when one or both partners feel disconnected, unloved, or dissatisfied.

In these situations, it's less about numbers and more about unmet needs and a breakdown in connection.

When to walk away from a sexless marriage?

A sexless marriage may be livable for some. For others, it's a deal breaker. The decision ultimately depends on your values, needs, and emotional wellbeing.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Am I emotionally fulfilled in other ways?

• Is my partner willing to work on this with me?

• Have we made a genuine effort to reconnect?

• Is sex an essential expression of love for me or my partner?

Some couples find new strength in their relationship through open, honest communication and a shared commitment to change. Others benefit from professional guidance, such as sex therapy or relationship counselling.

But before making a decision, it’s crucial to understand how you got here in the first place. Many couples drift into a sexless dynamic without realising it, often due to everyday pressures, emotional disconnect, or life changes.

Let’s explore some of the most common reasons married couples stop having sex.

Why do some couples stop having sex?

Exhaustion

Your lives merge when you get married. And with that comes an avalanche of responsibilities: mortgages, careers, pets, kids, family obligations. Between all of the chaos of life, you and your partner may find yourselves too tired at the end of the day.

And since you’re married, there’s that underlying comfort of knowing that your partner is not going anywhere. You might think, Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll have the energy. Tomorrow we’ll make time. But when tomorrow comes, the fatigue is still there. And so, the cycle continues.

Children

Children can be the most beautiful, love-filled addition to a marriage. And also the most exhausting. Between sleepless nights, teething babies, nappy changes, and the postpartum whirlwind, sex may feel like the last thing on your radar.

As they grow, it doesn't get easier—it just changes. You’re running to soccer practice, navigating school schedules, or dealing with teenage changes or drama. Priorities shift, and often, so does intimacy.

Motherhood

I wanted to call this out separately from general parenting because when a baby is born, a mother is born too. And that transformation is not just emotional—it’s neurological. Research has shown that a woman’s brain literally changes after giving birth, heightening emotional responses, empathy, and protective instincts.

While dads aren’t looked over or underappreciated by any means it’s biologically different when a woman becomes a mom. Ever heard of the vicious “mama bear” that will do anything to protect her cubs? The same concept applies, even if it means staying up all night and leaving little to no time for much else.

Boredom and routine

I know, this may be the most difficult reason of all to hear. The novelty and excitement of a fresh new marriage can wear off, but it's often not forever.

Marriages have seasons. Ask anyone who's been married for a long period of time and they'll tell you that sometimes you go through periods drier than the Sahara desert, but it often does come back around again.

Periods when one of both you and your partner has a big promotion or project  coming up may mean little time for physical intimacy. But as time goes on and issues get resolved, you may just hop right back into it.

Anger and resentment

One of the first areas to suffer when there’s unresolved conflict is the bedroom. Couples who’ve been together for years but don’t have the tools or motivation to communicate in a healthy way often build layers of unspoken resentment.

And let’s be real: who wants to be physically close to someone they’re emotionally distant from? If you’re mad, hurt, or feeling unseen by your partner, sex may be the last thing you want. Bitterness has a way of pushing intimacy out of the picture.

Parenting style conflicts

You might be surprised by how much conflicting parenting styles affect the bedroom. When two parents can’t agree on how to raise their kids, it creates a ripple effect. Tensions rise. Arguments happen behind closed doors (or worse, in front of the kids).

And when the whole household feels stressed, the emotional strain makes it hard for either partner to want to connect. It’s difficult to feel desire for someone when you’re constantly clashing over something as deeply emotional as parenting.

Mismatched libidos

Not every couple shares the same sex drive, and that’s completely normal. One of you may want sex more often, while the other is content with less. But if this difference isn’t talked about, it can lead to frustration, rejection, or guilt.

The partner with the higher libido may feel constantly turned down. The other may feel pressured or inadequate. And eventually, both might just stop trying.

Low self-esteem and body image issues

Let’s not ignore how much our own self-esteem and insecurities can impact intimacy. Maybe you’ve gained weight, had surgery, or just don’t feel good in your skin anymore. If you don’t feel attractive, it’s hard to believe your partner sees you that way.

Sometimes, the barrier to intimacy isn’t a lack of love but a lack of confidence. And unfortunately, that can lead to pulling away.

Mental health struggles

Depression, anxiety, and burnout can drain your emotional and physical energy. When you’re in survival mode, sex often feels like an added stressor, not a connection point.

Add to that the fact that certain medications, especially antidepressants, can affect libido or sexual function, and it becomes clear how mental health plays a huge role in intimacy.

Physical health issues and pain

From chronic pain and fatigue conditions to hormonal shifts and medical diagnoses, health problems can make sex uncomfortable or undesirable. For example, menopause, endometriosis, or erectile dysfunction can create anxiety or fear around intimacy.

The longer physical discomfort goes unspoken or untreated, the more it can reinforce emotional distance.

Feeling pressured or obligated

Sex should be about connection, not obligation. But when one partner feels like it’s their duty, or that they’re only participating to avoid conflict, resentment builds.

Intimacy thrives on mutual desire, not guilt, pressure, or keeping the peace.

What to do if you’re unhappy with your sexless marriage?

A lack of sex in a marriage isn’t necessarily a problem, but feeling unhappy, rejected, or emotionally distant because of it can be. 

Instead of asking how to survive a sexless marriage, it’s more helpful to ask: What’s really causing the disconnect? And how can we nourish our marriage again?

Whether it’s stress, health issues, overwork, or unresolved resentment, addressing the root causes is key to rebuilding closeness—not just in the bedroom, but in your relationship as a whole. So, when you’re ready to talk to your spouse about sex, here are a few tips that might help:

Pick an ideal moment to talk

Timing is everything, especially when it comes to a topic as sensitive as intimacy. Avoid bringing it up during an argument, in the heat of frustration, or while your partner is taking a few minutes to decompress after work. 

Instead, choose a calm, private moment when you’re both relatively relaxed. Maybe it’s during a walk, a quiet evening on the couch, or over a cup of tea. The goal is to create an environment that feels emotionally safe for both of you.

Listen without judgment

Your partner may be struggling too. Give them the space to share their feelings and concerns, even if they differ from your own.

Remember that rejection can hurt both ways. If your partner has been avoiding sex, it may stem from their own fears, insecurities, or stress, not a lack of love for you.

Be honest and open

This is not the time to sugar-coat your feelings or pretend everything’s fine. Be clear about how the lack of intimacy is affecting you, not just physically, but emotionally and relationally.

That said, avoid blaming language like “You never want sex” or “You don’t care about me.” Instead, try "I" statements that centre your experience and feelings. For example:

• “I’ve been feeling a bit rejected lately, and I miss feeling close to you.”

• “I want us to feel connected again, and sex has always been a big part of that for me.”

Clarify needs and expectations

Sex means different things to different people. For some, it’s a form of emotional closeness; for others, it’s about physical release, connection, or feeling desired. Take the time to explore what a satisfying sex life looks like for each of you—and how that may have changed over time.

This isn’t about setting a schedule or meeting quotas. It’s about creating shared understanding and discovering where your desires overlap. From there, you can begin to rebuild intimacy on terms that work for both of you.

Also, remember that you don’t have to fix this overnight. Restoring intimacy is a process, not a single conversation.

How sex therapy can help

If you’ve tried to repair your intimacy on your own without success, consider sex therapy. Unlike general couples counselling, sex therapy specifically focuses on emotional and physical intimacy.

Sex therapy aims to prioritise pleasure while simultaneously learning about a couple's past history and view of sex, to fully capture the scope of the problem. In a nutshell, sex therapy can help you and your spouse:

• Improve communication about sex

• Understand emotional barriers to intimacy

• Rebuild trust and connection

• Explore new ways to connect physically

• Address sexual dysfunctions or trauma

If your marriage needs professional help, don’t be ashamed. You’re far less alone than you think.

Final thoughts

Sexless marriage doesn’t mean the end of your relationship, but it may be a sign that deeper needs aren’t being met.

With openness, empathy, and often a little professional support, many couples are able to rebuild intimacy in ways that feel even more meaningful than before. But if your partner is unwilling to acknowledge the issue or work with you toward change, it’s okay to consider whether the relationship is still serving your wellbeing.

Healing is possible, whether that means reconnecting or finding peace in moving forward separately.