Tips for healthy co-parenting

Separation or divorce can leave you feeling like everything is in limbo, especially when kids are caught in the middle. There might be anger, sadness, or confusion. And in the midst of it all, you’re still expected to co-parent: to show up, make decisions, and provide stability for your children.

It’s not easy. But it is possible. Even when emotions run high or communication is strained, you can build a parenting relationship that works both for your child and you.

This guide will walk you through how to co-parent in a healthy and respectful way, whether your situation is amicable, complex, or somewhere in between.

Putting your child first

At its core, co-parenting is about one thing: prioritising your child’s wellbeing. It's not about being best mates with your ex. It's about making sure your child feels loved, supported, and safe in both homes.

When kids feel caught in the middle, it can affect their emotional development, behaviour, and sense of security. But when parents work together, children are more likely to thrive.

What the law says about co-parenting

Australian family law is centred on the best interests of the child, as outlined in the Family Law Act 1975. When parents separate, the law aims to ensure children maintain meaningful relationships with both parents—provided it is safe.

The following legal principles apply:

• Equal shared parental responsibility: Under Section 61DA, the law presumes both parents should share decision-making about major long-term issues (e.g. schooling, healthcare), unless there’s a risk to the child.

• Parenting time: As per Section 65DAA, shared responsibility may lead to equal or substantial time with both parents, but only if it’s in the child’s best interests and practically workable.

• Parenting plans & consent orders: Parents can make informal parenting plans or formalise them through consent orders, making them legally enforceable.

• Family dispute resolution (FDR): Before going to Court, most parents must attempt mediation through FDR and obtain a Section 60I certificate (unless there’s family violence or urgency).

• Child safety: Under Section 60CG, the Court must avoid any arrangements that expose the child to harm. If there’s abuse or violence, shared parenting may be denied or restricted.

Understanding these key points can help you approach co-parenting arrangements with greater clarity and confidence. For personalised advice, it's best to consult a family lawyer or legal aid service.

How to co-parent in a healthy way

Even if your separation was difficult or ongoing tensions remain, there are realistic and compassionate ways to make co-parenting work. Here are 10 supportive, therapist-informed strategies to help you.

1. Keep your child out of the conflict

One of the most loving things you can do for your child is to protect them from adult disputes. That means no blaming, no asking them to pass on messages, and no putting them in the middle—no matter how justified you might feel in the moment.

Children don’t need to know the details of your disagreements. What they need is to feel secure, not torn. Let them be a child, not a referee.

2. Communicate clearly and without emotion

Successful co-parenting hinges on steady, respectful communication. It helps to treat conversations like a shared project, rather than a personal battle. Keep things brief, factual, and child-focused.

If verbal conversations often lead to conflict, consider switching to a co-parenting app or email for written communication. This reduces tension and provides a record of conversations, which can be useful if you’re navigating tricky dynamics.

3. Have a parenting plan you can both stick to

A written parenting plan is like a compass that guides your shared responsibilities and prevents confusion down the line. It should include details about living arrangements, schedules, special occasions, school involvement, and agreed-upon parenting approaches.

You don’t need to go to court to create a parenting plan. Many families work it out privately or with the help of a family dispute resolution practitioner, family counsellor, or mediator. These professionals can guide the conversation, help manage emotions, and keep the focus on what’s best for the child.

If you both agree on the terms, you can later apply to have it formalised as a consent order through the Family Court, making it legally enforceable.

For a simple overview of what to include in your plan, the Parenting Plan Fact Sheet from Family Relationships Online is a helpful resource. If you want more tailored support, it’s ideal to consult a family lawyer or an organisation like The Separation Guide.

4. Create structure, but stay flexible

Children feel safest when their world is predictable. Consistency across households helps them know what to expect, even when they’re moving between two homes. Things like similar routines, expectations around screen time, and agreed-upon bedtimes can make a big difference.

At the same time, flexibility is important. If your ex is running late or your child needs extra time to adjust, leaning into patience instead of control inspires a more cooperative dynamic. It can also help to recognise the parenting style you and your ex each lean towards, so you can communicate more effectively and reduce unnecessary clashes.

5. Support your child’s bond with the other parent

If your co-parenting relationship is safe and respectful, and both of you are committed to keeping your child out of the conflict, supporting your child’s connection with the other parent is one of the most valuable things you can do.

Even if you and your ex are no longer emotionally connected, your child still is. Encouraging that relationship—without guilt, judgement, or subtle discouragement—can nurture your child’s emotional wellbeing and sense of identity.

Children shouldn’t feel torn, pressured to choose sides, or ashamed for enjoying time with the other parent. Let them speak freely, share memories, and feel proud of belonging to both sides of their family.

As long as their safety and emotional health are not at risk, fostering that bond helps your child feel secure, loved, and whole.

6. Be present for your teen, even when they act like they don’t need you

Teenagers going through family change often retreat emotionally, even if they’re hurting. They may seem detached or indifferent, but under the surface, they’re still processing a lot. Keep showing up. Be available without pushing, and create space for open-ended conversations when they’re ready.

Avoid making assumptions about their behaviour, especially if they’re acting out. Learn more about how mental health impacts teenagers, and if you're concerned, explore whether therapy might help. A professional can often provide a safe space for teens to express what they can’t always say at home.

7. Let go of what you can’t control

After a breakup, it’s common to feel anxious about what’s happening in the other household. But outside of ensuring your child’s safety, you can’t (and shouldn’t) try to manage everything your ex does.

Trying to micromanage will only cause more stress. Focus on what’s within your control: how you parent, how you communicate, and how you care for yourself and your child. Children pick up on your emotional state more than you realise.

8. Own your part in the co-parenting dynamic

Healthy co-parenting involves maintaining a respectful, functional dynamic for your child’s sake. And part of that is being honest about your own behaviour.

If you’ve said something in anger, ignored a message, or made an assumption that escalated tension, acknowledge it. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean excusing your ex’s behaviour—it simply means recognising your role and doing your best to move forward without blame.

Staying calm, communicating clearly, and repairing missteps when they happen can shift the tone between you. You might not be able to change your co-parent, but your own actions can make a meaningful difference in how the relationship works day to day.

9. Make space for your emotional and mental health

You can’t co-parent well if you’re constantly running on empty. Processing the emotional weight of a separation—grief, guilt, anger, or even relief—takes time. Therapy can help you untangle complex feelings so they don’t spill over into parenting interactions.

Your emotional resilience becomes your child’s foundation. The more grounded you feel, the more you can offer them calm, consistent care.

10. Reach out for support when you need it

Co-parenting can be emotionally exhausting, especially when you're juggling routines, big feelings, and ongoing communication with an ex-partner. You don’t have to navigate it all alone.

Support can come from many places—trusted friends, a sibling who listens without judgment, or a family member who understands the day-to-day challenges. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to who reminds you of your strengths can make all the difference.

You can also access help through free or low-cost resources like Family Relationship Centres, parenting helplines, and counselling services.

When co-parenting isn’t possible: Understanding parallel parenting

In some cases, co-parenting isn’t realistic. If your ex is controlling, emotionally abusive, or thrives on conflict, trying to collaborate may do more harm than good.

This is where parallel parenting comes in. It’s a style of parenting that reduces contact between ex-partners, allowing each to parent independently within their own time.

Unlike traditional co-parenting, parallel parenting keeps communication to a minimum—often through apps or email—and focuses only on essential updates. There’s no expectation to attend events together or make joint decisions about everyday matters.

It may feel less “ideal,” but for many families, parallel parenting is the most respectful and peaceful path forward. It protects both parents’ mental health and shields children from constant tension.

In summary

Even after a painful breakup, you can create a stable, loving environment for your child by staying focused on what really matters: their wellbeing.

Whether you and your ex communicate well or barely speak at all, there is a way forward. With clear communication, respectful boundaries, and the right support, co-parenting can move from chaos to calm—and even become one of the most rewarding parts of your parenting journey.