Attachment styles & their role in your relationships and wellbeing

Attachment theory offers a powerful framework for understanding how our earliest bonds shape the way we approach relationships throughout life.

First developed by the psychiatrist and psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s and later expanded by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, the theory suggested that children form emotional attachments to caregivers as a way to feel safe and manage stress. 

When these early bonds are consistent and nurturing, they help build a secure sense of self and trust in others. When they are unreliable, neglectful, or inconsistent, they can lead to patterns of anxiety, avoidance, or emotional confusion.

If you find yourself feeling distant in your relationship, anxious in your friendships, or concerned about your emotional triggers and reactions, learning about your attachment style can help bring clarity and rewire unhelpful patterns.

Understanding the 4 attachment styles

The four attachment styles were first defined in Mary Ainsworth’s experiment called the Strange Situation. These styles are deeply rooted in early experiences, but they are not set in stone.

So if you see yourself in the unhealthy side of the descriptions below, keep in mind that awareness is just the beginning, and shifting your attachment style is absolutely possible.

1. Secure attachment

People with a secure attachment style generally feel confident in their relationships. They are comfortable with both closeness and independence, and they tend to communicate openly, express their needs clearly, and respond supportively to others.

Research has consistently found that secure attachment is linked with higher relationship satisfaction, emotional resilience, and better stress regulation. In emotionally intimate relationships, secure individuals help create a sense of safety and mutual care.

When challenges arise, they are more likely to seek support or offer it in return, rather than withdrawing or reacting in fear. Their emotional stability supports not only their own wellbeing but often creates a safe space for others, too.

🟣 Common signs and challenges:

• Comfortable giving and receiving emotional support

• Able to set healthy boundaries

• Communicates openly and manages conflict constructively

• Tends to have lasting and satisfying relationships

• May occasionally take emotional stability for granted or feel confused by others’ emotional reactivity

2. Anxious (preoccupied) attachment

Those with an anxious attachment style often experience a deep longing for closeness but may also feel uncertain about whether others truly care. This can lead to frequent worry, a need for constant reassurance, or fears of being abandoned.

In relationships, this can create emotional intensity and a heightened sensitivity to perceived changes in tone, distance, or mood. These reactions often reflect past experiences where emotional needs were inconsistently met.

Although anxiety in relationships can feel overwhelming, people with this style tend to be emotionally generous and deeply committed to connection. With support and greater self-understanding, they can learn to regulate their emotions more easily and develop more secure bonds.

🟣 Common signs and challenges:

• Often seeks reassurance and fears losing connection

• Sensitive to perceived shifts in mood or attention

• May feel like they’re “too much”

• Tends to worry about being unlovable

• Difficulty calming down after a conflict

• Tends to prioritise others’ needs over their own

3. Avoidant (dismissive) attachment

Avoidant attachment often develops when emotional closeness is discouraged or unavailable in early relationships. People with this style may pride themselves on independence and self-reliance but struggle with emotional vulnerability or intimacy.

In adult relationships, this may look like pulling away when things get too close, changing the subject when emotions arise, or feeling uncomfortable relying on others. Underneath, there may be a quiet fear of being overwhelmed or losing control.

While avoidant individuals may appear detached, their responses often stem from learned ways of protecting themselves. By gently exploring these patterns, especially in safe and supportive relationships, they can learn to open up without fear of losing themselves.

🟣 Common signs and challenges:

• Values self-sufficiency and may feel smothered in close relationships

• Avoids emotional conversations or vulnerability

• May feel uncomfortable depending on others or being depended on

• Withdraws during conflict or emotional intensity

• Struggles to recognise or express emotional needs

4. Disorganised (fearful-avoidant) attachment

Disorganised attachment can feel particularly painful and confusing. It’s often the result of early experiences where caregivers were both a source of comfort and fear, or where they experienced unresolved trauma or emotional neglect.

As a result, people with this style may feel torn between desiring connection and fearing the vulnerability that comes with it. This internal conflict may lead to unpredictable behaviour in relationships, such as drawing close and then suddenly withdrawing, or feeling intense emotional reactions that seem hard to control.

🟣 Common signs and challenges:

• Conflicted feelings and push-pull behaviours in relationships

• Often struggles with trust issues

• Unpredictable or intense emotional responses

• May sabotage relationships out of fear or confusion

What if I have unhealthy attachment patterns?

Many people struggle with unhealthy attachment patterns. It’s a common human struggle, but it’s especially important to deal with if you’re in a committed relationship or you’re a parent who wants to raise confident, emotionally secure children.

Here are some gentle first steps:

• Notice your patterns. Keep a journal or speak with someone you trust about how you respond to emotional closeness or conflict.

• Practice emotional regulation. Skills like deep breathing, grounding, and self-talk can help manage big feelings without acting on impulse.

• Seek safe connections. Relationships that are steady, kind, and emotionally responsive can help you learn what secure attachment feels like.

• Consider emotionally focused therapy (EFT). EFT is a proven approach for couples and individuals seeking to reshape attachment responses.

• Give yourself kindness and grace. Attachment patterns take time to change. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small steps.

Final thoughts

Your past experiences and early relationships may have shaped your emotional patterns, but they don’t have to define your future. Your attachment style is not set in stone, and you can start to gently shift it today.

Intentionally working on your attachment style is a compassionate step toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships - not just with others but also with yourself. It helps you make sense of your reactions, regain control over emotional triggers, and build (or rebuild) trust, confidence, and emotional intimacy.