Is self-compassion just another fad?

Like other positive emotions, it’s often easier to show compassion to others than to yourself. You might naturally comfort a friend who’s struggling or offer encouragement when someone close to you makes a mistake.

But when it comes to your own missteps or low moments, it can feel much harder to extend that same care.

Self-compassion offers another option. It gives you a way to respond to your own pain and imperfection with kindness. But lately, with so much talk of cutting out negativity and putting yourself first all the time, it’s understandable if you feel unsure whether self-compassion is actually meaningful or just another overused wellness buzzword.

Is it genuinely helpful, or just a trend dressed up in therapy-speak? And if it is helpful, how do you practise it in a way that feels grounded, not self-indulgent or avoidant? Let’s unpack all these in this guide.

Why self-compassion gets misunderstood

Self-compassion has become more visible in recent years, which isn’t a bad thing. More people are talking about emotions, boundaries, and mental wellbeing. But as with any popular topic, some of the meaning can get lost in translation, especially online.

Here’s what can go wrong:

• So many social media posts suggest that cutting people off the moment you feel upset is always the self-compassionate choice. While setting boundaries is important, quick reactions can ignore the full picture.

• Others present self-compassion as something you only practise by buying a bath bomb, quitting a job, or saying no to every invitation. While comfort can be part of it, self-compassion is less about indulgence and more about emotional honesty.

• Some messages imply that feeling down or stuck means you're doing something wrong. But emotional struggles are a normal part of being human. Framing them as personal failure isn’t self-compassion but more like a subtle form of perfectionism.

You don’t need to follow every trend or script to practise self-compassion in a meaningful way. In fact, the most powerful forms of self-compassion often happen quietly, in how you respond to yourself when no one else is watching.

What self-compassion actually means

Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, who has led much of the research on self-compassion, describes it as involving three main skills:

1. Self-kindness, which means offering yourself care instead of criticism when things go wrong;

2. Common humanity, which reminds you that making mistakes and feeling vulnerable are part of being human; and 

3. Mindfulness, which helps you notice when you’re in pain without pushing it away or getting stuck in it.

In practice, it might look like this:

• You mess up a presentation at work and immediately think, “That was so stupid, why did I even try?”

• You notice how you’re speaking to yourself and pause.

• Instead of doubling down on that inner attack, you gently say, “That was tough. I’m allowed to make mistakes. I’ll take a breath and regroup.”

That’s the heart of self-compassion. Not pretending everything’s okay, and not pushing the bad feelings away, but standing beside yourself with patience and care. If it still seems difficult to understand, the table below can help.

Self-compassion vs self-punishment

You can use this table as a check-in. The next time you feel overwhelmed, ask yourself: Which column am I operating from right now?

Common myths about self-compassion

“If I’m too soft on myself, I’ll get lazy.”

The truth is that research shows that people who practise self-compassion tend to stay more motivated over time. Harsh self-talk might feel like discipline, but it often only drains your energy and delays progress.

“It’s just for people who already like themselves.”

Actually, many people practise self-compassion even when they don’t feel particularly confident or worthy. You don’t need to believe you’re great - you just need to start treating yourself with some basic kindness.

“Focusing on self-compassion is just being self-centred.”

Self-compassion doesn’t mean pushing others out. It simply includes you in the care and concern you likely extend to others already.

How to practise self-compassion in everyday life

You don’t need a big ritual or 30-day challenge. The real work often starts in quiet moments. Here are some ideas:

1. Notice when you’re being harsh

Catch yourself when you say things like “I’m so dumb” or “Why can’t I get this right?” You don’t need to force yourself to stop. Just notice the pattern. Awareness comes first.

2. Befriend your inner voice

Most of us have an internal monologue that mimics how others spoke to us growing up. That voice might sound like a critic, a coach, or a drill sergeant.

When this voice is starting to sound like an enemy, try pausing and asking yourself if you’d ever speak to a friend the same way. If not, try softening your tone. It’s a bit like “reparenting yourself” as some therapists call it; giving yourself the care or understanding you might not have received in the past.

3. Practise patience

Self-compassion isn’t something you master in a week. Be patient with yourself.

Some days you’ll slip into old patterns, and that’s okay. Just come back to kindness as soon as you can.

4. Ask what you actually need

Instead of reacting impulsively to discomfort, pause and ask: “What would help me feel grounded right now?” It might be a glass of water, a short walk, or even a boundary.

Guide yourself to respond mindfully instead of resorting to whatever feels automatic. Automatic responses are sometimes unhelpful, like scrolling or numbing yourself with Netflix or distractions that don’t actually help you.

When to seek extra support

Some people carry deep wounds or learned patterns that make self-compassion feel risky or impossible. But it isn’t actually impossible.

If you find that being kind to yourself feels triggering, unsafe, or impossible, a therapist can help. They can support you in unpacking what’s underneath the unkind reactions and offer tools for moving forward with more kindness and less self-punishment.