How to recognise & respond to signs of covert narcissism

When you think of narcissism, you might imagine someone loud, arrogant or constantly seeking attention. But what if the person making you feel drained, dismissed or manipulated is quiet, reserved or even self-deprecating?

This could be a covert narcissist.

Unlike the classic, overt narcissist, a covert narcissist uses more subtle forms of control. They may appear vulnerable or modest, but over time, you might notice that the relationship is one-sided, emotionally exhausting, or even toxic.

If you're second-guessing yourself, questioning your memory, or always tiptoeing around someone's moods, it's important to look deeper.

What is covert narcissism?

You might be familiar with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as a condition marked by entitlement, a lack of empathy and a need for admiration. Covert narcissism shares those same traits, but they show up differently.

Rather than being loud or attention-seeking, someone with covert narcissistic traits may present as quiet, anxious, or misunderstood. They may seem emotionally vulnerable or even insecure. However, beneath that exterior, you may still feel manipulated, invalidated, or emotionally sidelined.

You might notice that conversations always shift back to them, your concerns are dismissed or ignored, and you're left feeling guilty, confused, or responsible for their emotional wellbeing.

Common signs you’re dealing with a covert narcissist

It’s not always obvious at first, but once you start noticing the patterns, you may realise how much energy you’re using just to maintain the relationship.

Here are some traits to look for:

• They make everything about them, even when you’re the one needing support.

• They’re extremely sensitive to feedback, often reacting with silence, sulking, or guilt-tripping.

• They constantly feel unappreciated or wronged, often painting themselves as the misunderstood victim.

• They rarely take responsibility, instead blaming others or circumstances for their behaviour.

• They use passive aggression or indirect communication, rather than talking openly when something’s wrong.

• They lack emotional reciprocity, expecting you to be emotionally available for them, while offering little in return.

How covert narcissists differ from overt ones:

Why someone might develop covert narcissistic traits

If you’ve been hurt by someone showing these patterns, it’s natural to wonder how they became that way.

People with covert narcissistic traits may have grown up in households with inconsistent affection, excessive praise or harsh criticism. They might have learned early on that love had to be earned or that vulnerability wasn’t safe. As adults, they may use control, withdrawal, or guilt to protect their fragile self-worth.

That doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour, especially when it’s affecting your mental health. But understanding where it comes from can help you stop internalising blame or trying to fix what isn’t yours to fix.

How covert narcissism affects you

When you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist, you might feel like the ground is constantly shifting under you. You could be:

• Walking on eggshells, afraid of upsetting them

• Questioning your reality, especially if they twist the truth or deflect blame

• Feeling emotionally responsible for their mood or wellbeing

• Losing confidence in yourself, your decisions and your boundaries

• Avoiding conflict, even when something really bothers you

• Giving more than you get, often without even noticing

Over time, you might feel drained, stuck, or disconnected from your own needs. These are common effects of a toxic relationship, and you’re not imagining it.

What you can do to protect yourself and heal

1. Start by (re)learning to trust your gut

If something feels off in your relationship, it probably is. Instead of brushing it aside, give yourself permission to explore what’s really going on.

Try to write things down. Reflect on how you feel after conversations. Notice how often you apologise or second-guess yourself.

2. Set boundaries that protect your emotional health

Clear boundaries are essential when dealing with narcissistic behaviour. You’re not being rude or unfair by expecting respectful, reciprocal relationships.

Here’s how you can start:

• Use calm, direct language like: "I don't feel comfortable when I'm criticised in front of others."

• Be specific about what you need and what will happen if it’s ignored.

• Follow through. If you say you’ll take space, take it.

• Expect resistance, but don’t let it shake your resolve.

3. Address passive aggression and emotional manipulation

If they avoid responsibility or blame you for their feelings, pause before reacting. You don’t have to take the bait.

Try saying:

• “I’m open to talking, but I need it to be respectful.”

• “I hear that you’re upset. Let’s talk when we’re both calm.”

4. Rebuild your support system

Toxic relationships often isolate you. Make time for the people who support you, respect you, and remind you who you are.

Reconnect with interests and goals that make you feel strong and grounded. No matter what you’ve been through, you deserve connections that nourish you.

5. Consider creating distance if the relationship doesn’t change

If you’ve tried setting boundaries, expressing your needs, and protecting your space, and the pattern still continues, it may be time to step back. Doing so doesn’t make you unkind or selfish.

In some cases, space can also give the other person an opportunity to reflect on their behaviour without the dynamic continuing unchecked. More importantly, it gives you the clarity and breathing room to consider what kind of connection, if any, is healthy for you going forward.

If you see narcissistic patterns in yourself

Noticing narcissistic behaviours in yourself can feel confronting. But iIt also means you’re paying attention, and that’s a good thing.

It helps to start with some self-reflection:

• Do you often feel overlooked, unappreciated, or misunderstood?

• Do you find it hard to handle criticism or hear another person’s perspective?

• Do you tend to shut down or use guilt to get your needs met?

Working with a therapist can help you explore those patterns and develop healthier ways to connect with others. Therapy, be it in-person or through online sessions, can give you a space to unpack your past, understand your coping mechanisms, and rebuild your relationships with healthier patterns.

Change takes time, but it begins with a willingness to be honest with yourself.

Final thoughts

If you're starting to recognise covert narcissistic patterns in someone close to you, you may have spent a lot of time managing their emotions while pushing aside your own. That kind of imbalance can leave you feeling isolated, worn down, and unsure of where you stand.

By identifying these patterns, you give yourself the chance to step back, re-centre, and make decisions that support your wellbeing. Boundaries, reflection, and support from trusted people or professionals can help you regain confidence and reconnect with what matters to you.