Passive-aggressive behaviours explained

Passive-aggressive behaviour is something many of us recognise, even if we struggle to name it sometimes. A partner says nothing is wrong but withdraws emotionally… A colleague repeatedly delays a task and brushes it off with excuses... A friend makes jokes that land just a little too hard…

At first, these moments might seem harmless. But over time, they can quietly strain relationships, build resentment, and leave you feeling confused or dismissed.

Passive aggression often thrives in places where honest communication is avoided. In the sections below, we'll explore what it looks like, why it happens, and how to respond, whether it appears at home, in friendships, or in the workplace.

What is passive aggression?

Passive aggression is a form of indirect expression of negative emotions such as anger, disappointment, or frustration. Instead of openly addressing issues, a person might resist, avoid, or undermine in ways that are difficult to call out directly.

Common forms of passive-aggressive behaviour include:

• Silent treatment after a disagreement

• Procrastinating or missing deadlines on purpose

• Withholding important information

• Sarcastic remarks or backhanded compliments

• Deliberately underperforming or doing a task incorrectly

• Agreeing outwardly but acting in ways that sabotage outcomes

At its core, passive aggression is a form of poor communication. It often occurs when someone feels unsafe or unequipped to express themselves directly, or when they believe their honesty won't be respected or well-received.

Passive-aggressive behaviours in relationships

Romantic and family relationships

In romantic relationships, passive aggression can quietly dismantle emotional safety. A partner may withdraw affection, use the silent treatment or stonewalling to punish, or subtly undermine the other person's needs. 

It might also show up as:

• Ignoring plans that were agreed upon

• Consistently forgetting important dates or requests

• Using weaponised incompetence to avoid responsibility

• Making sarcastic or guilt-laden comments

• Acting as if everything is fine while clearly seething beneath the surface

In families, especially where direct confrontation has been discouraged, passive aggression may become the default mode of conflict. This can be particularly confusing for children and teenagers who receive mixed messages from their caregivers.

Friendships

Among friends, passive aggression often feels like being excluded, subtly mocked, or kept at a distance with no explanation.

It's common for the affected person to feel unsure whether they're overreacting, especially when the behaviour is disguised as humour or unspoken disappointment.

Some common signs are:

• Friends cancelling plans at the last minute without reason

• Making critical comments under the guise of concern

• Repeatedly ignoring calls or texts during conflict

• Dishing out praise with a sting (“You finally made it on time!”)

Passive-aggressive behaviours in workplaces

Workplaces are often breeding grounds for passive-aggressive behaviour, especially when direct confrontation is discouraged or poorly managed. The behaviour may appear subtle, but its impact is not.

Here are some examples:

• Repeatedly missing deadlines without a clear reason

• Sending vague or passive emails

• Ignoring workplace messages or instructions

• Not sharing critical information with the team

• Using sarcasm or humour to disguise criticism

• Displaying weaponised incompetence to shift workload

These behaviours overlap with workplace bullying, especially when they become consistent patterns that isolate or undermine a colleague. They also add emotional labour for others, increase workplace stress, and reduce team morale.

In sectors like healthcare and education, where emotional and interpersonal labour is already high, the cumulative toll of such behaviour contributes to burnout, reduced performance, and psychological injury. In response, employee assistance programs (EAPs) are increasingly used in these environments to support staff and also improve the overall workplace culture.

Why some people resort to passive aggression

Passive-aggressive behaviours often stem from discomfort with emotional vulnerability. 

People may fear confrontation, rejection, or escalating conflict. So instead of addressing issues head-on, they express distress in less direct, less confrontational ways.

Here are some contributing factors:

• Learned behaviour: In some households or cultures, direct expression of anger is discouraged.

• Fear of conflict: The person may believe they’ll be punished or dismissed if they speak up.

• Low confidence or self-worth: They may not feel entitled to express their needs or boundaries.

• Power imbalances: Subordinates at work, or emotionally dependent partners, may feel indirect resistance is safer than open defiance.

• Mental health factors: Conditions like anxiety, trauma histories, or even ADHD paralysis can influence communication.

• Past experiences of not being heard: If someone has learned that honesty leads to dismissal or ridicule, they may default to avoidance.

This doesn’t justify the behaviour, but it helps explain where it comes from, as well as what can support change.

Risks and dangers of passive aggression

Passive-aggressive behaviours may seem harmless at first, but they do have lasting impacts over time. The consequences are often emotional and relational. Here are some key risks:

• Broken trust and communication line

• Growing resentment and unresolved tension

• Emotional fatigue or confusion in the receiving person

• Escalation into stonewalling, avoidance, or active hostility

• Lasting damage to relationships, particularly romantic or family bonds

• Misdiagnosis of the problem, leading to more conflict or therapy-resistant issues

• Workplace disengagement, inefficiency, or staff turnover

How to respond to passive-aggressive behaviours

Dealing with passive aggression starts with awareness, followed by clear, respectful action. 

While it’s not always easy to change another person’s behaviour, you can take steps to respond in a way that protects your wellbeing.

1. Recognise the signs

Be honest with yourself about patterns you're noticing. If you feel anxious around someone, constantly second-guess yourself, or feel like you're being punished without knowing why, it may be passive aggression.

2. Try to address it directly

Use calm and non-accusatory language. Focus on facts and how the passive-aggressive behaviours made you feel, not assumptions or character judgements. Try phrases like:

• “I noticed you’ve gone quiet since our chat. Is something bothering you?”

• “Your sarcastic remark made me feel disrespect. Maybe that’s not what you intended, so can we talk about it?”

• “When the report is delayed without explanation, it puts extra pressure on the team.”

3. Set boundaries

Communicate what’s okay and what isn’t. This isn’t to set ultimatums but to be clear on what you deem healthy and unhealthy for you and your relationships.

For example:

• “If you’re upset, I’m open to talking, but I can’t guess what’s going on.”

• “I’m not comfortable with sarcasm when we’re trying to sort things out.”

4. Consider your own patterns

Sometimes people engage in passive aggression without realising it. If you're feeling unheard or resentful, it’s worth reflecting on how you yourself communicate and interpret people’s tone, words, or even body language.

Therapy can help explore these patterns in a safe and constructive way.

5. Get support when needed

If the behaviour is consistent, harmful, or affecting your mental health, consider reaching out to a therapist or counsellor, your workplace’s employee assistance program, or a friend or mediator you trust.

You don’t need to manage repeated passive aggression on your own, especially if it’s starting to affect your confidence, mood, or sense of self.

When passive aggression becomes emotional abuse

In some cases, passive-aggressive behaviour is part of a broader pattern of emotional manipulation.

If it’s combined with gaslighting, chronic invalidation, love bombing, or control, it may move into the territory of emotional abuse. This is particularly true in relationships where one person uses silence, guilt, or confusion to gain power over the other.

If this sounds familiar, it’s worth speaking with a therapist, domestic violence support service, or trusted health professional.