Controlling your anger and rage

Anger can feel like a surge of heat, a pounding in your chest, or a sharp urge to shout or lash out. It shows up quickly and often with force. But beneath that intensity is something very human.

Anger is our body’s way of alerting us to something that feels unfair, threatening, or deeply frustrating. It’s not bad in itself. Like all emotions, it has a role; it can signal a need for change, help us set boundaries, or give us the energy to act when things aren't right.

However, it can become a problem when it starts to control how we think, speak, and behave, especially if it turns into rage, resentment, or aggression.

What's really happening when you're angry

To manage anger effectively, it's helpful to understand what's going on inside your body and mind. Anger is part of the fight-or-flight system — the same one that helped our ancestors survive danger.

Put simply, this is what happens when you feel triggered:

• Your brain releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol

• Your heart beats faster, your blood pressure rises, and your breathing becomes shallow

• The rational part of your brain (the prefrontal cortex) takes a back seat

That’s why it’s hard to stay calm or think clearly when you’re angry. Your body is preparing to defend you, even if the "threat" is just a rude comment or a missed text.

Mapping your anger triggers & early signs

One of the most effective ways to manage anger is to catch it early. That means becoming more aware of what sets you off and how your body and mind respond in those first moments.

Everyone has different anger triggers. These are the situations, people, or behaviours that spark frustration, hurt, or defensiveness. Often, triggers are linked to deeper emotional wounds or patterns from the past. You might not even realise what's behind the reaction until you slow down and look closer.

Here are some of the most common anger triggers:

• Feeling ignored, dismissed, or disrespected

• Being interrupted or talked over

• Criticism, especially if it's unexpected or public

• Being stuck in traffic, running late, or feeling out of control

• Injustice or perceived unfairness

• Loud noise, mess, or overstimulation

• Feeling overwhelmed, tired, or burnt out

Tracking your anger triggers, whether through journaling or simply pausing to reflect, can help you spot patterns. For example, you might notice that your anger flares up more often when you’re stressed, hungry, or sleep-deprived.

Equally important is recognising the early warning signs that anger is building. These cues show up in your body, thoughts, and emotions, and they’re your signal to intervene before anger turns into rage or aggression.

Some early signs to look out for are:

• A tightening in your jaw, chest, or fists

• Feeling hot, flushed, or restless

• Rapid or shallow breathing

• Racing thoughts or replaying a situation in your mind

• Feeling like you're about to snap or can't think clearly

• A sudden urge to yell, criticise, or storm off

The sooner you can spot these signs, the easier it becomes to pause, take a breath, and choose how you want to respond.

In-the-moment strategies to calm down

1. Breathe from your belly

Deep, slow breathing is one of the fastest ways to calm your nervous system. Try box breathing: inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, and pause for four. Do this for a minute or two.

2. Use a grounding technique

Name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste. Grounding pulls you back into the present moment, which helps break the cycle of racing, angry thoughts.

3. Remove yourself from the situation

If you feel yourself nearing a breaking point, it’s okay to say that you need a minute. Step away, go for a walk, splash cold water on your face, or sit somewhere quiet to reset.

4. Reframe your thoughts

Anger often comes with distorted thinking like “They never listen to me” or “This always happens.” Challenge these thoughts. Ask yourself: Is it really always or never? Could there be another perspective?

Long-term ways to manage anger

Short-term techniques help you in the moment. But managing anger long-term means understanding its roots and developing a lifestyle that supports emotional regulation.

1. Try to identify the real emotion underneath

Anger often masks deeper emotions like hurt, fear, or powerlessness. It can also be a protective response to situations where you feel threatened or misunderstood.

If you find yourself feeling angry regularly, it can be helpful to ask what else might be going on emotionally. Therapy can support this kind of reflection and help uncover patterns that might be contributing to your reactions.

2. Practice assertive communication

When you don’t express how you feel or what you need, frustration can build up. This often leads to outbursts or simmering resentment.

Learning how to communicate assertively allows you to set boundaries and speak up without aggression. That might sound like saying, “I felt dismissed in that meeting, and I’d like to talk about it,” instead of staying quiet and growing more irritated over time.

3. Build habits that help you regulate how you feel

The more physically and emotionally depleted you are, the harder it becomes to manage strong feelings like anger. That’s why daily routines that reduce stress and support your wellbeing are so important.

Regular movement, moments of quiet reflection, and getting enough rest can all help you feel more steady and less reactive. Even small acts of care, like taking time to breathe or jotting down thoughts at the end of the day, can make anger easier to manage over time.

When anger becomes a bigger problem

If you're often on edge or reacting more strongly than you'd like, your anger might be signalling something deeper that needs support. Here are some signs that anger may be becoming harder to manage:

• Frequent outbursts or yelling

• Feeling irritable or tense most of the time

• Regret or shame after arguments

• Strained relationships with loved ones or colleagues

• Difficulty calming down once triggered

• Physical symptoms like headaches, poor sleep, or muscle tension

If any of these feel familiar, it might be time to talk to someone. Therapy can help you explore what’s behind the anger and give you tools to handle it in healthier ways.

How therapy helps with anger

Therapy can be a safe space to unpack what’s really driving your anger, especially if it feels overwhelming or hard to control. A therapist won’t judge you for feeling angry; they’ll help you explore the patterns behind it and find ways to respond differently.

Together, you can look at what triggers your anger, how you tend to react, and whether past experiences are shaping how you deal with frustration or conflict now. Understanding these connections often makes it easier to recognise anger early and choose calmer, more constructive ways to respond.

Therapists can also teach practical tools, like thought reframing, emotional regulation techniques, and communication strategies. Keep in mind that these aren’t one-size-fits-all, but a good therapist will help you find approaches that suit your personality, goals, and everyday life.

If anger is affecting your parenting, work, or relationships, therapy can support you in setting healthier boundaries and reconnecting with the kind of person you want to be.

Final thoughts

Anger is part of being human. It can show up when we feel hurt, unheard, or overwhelmed, and, sometimes, it’s also trying to protect us.

But when it starts to take over, causing harm or leaving you feeling out of control, it’s a sign to pause and look more closely.

Learning to manage anger involves understanding where it comes from, recognising what you need in the moment, and finding healthier ways to respond. That takes practice, self-awareness, and sometimes, support from someone who can walk alongside you and support your process.