Decoding mum rage: What's underneath, How to deal with the anger

Clenched voice, raised voice, slammed doors… We’re all familiar with anger building up inside us and then boiling over. But the case is just extra difficult when we’re talking about mums.

Mum rage isn’t simply losing your temper. It’s what happens when your limits have been stretched thin for too long. And it isn’t actually just rage - it’s frustration, hurt, annoyance, physical exhaustion, mental overload, and so many other things spilling over.

Underneath the maternal rage

This rage is the result of mental, physical, and emotional pressure, especially when your own needs haven’t been met for days, weeks, or longer.

Here’s what often fuels that sense of snapping or losing control.

1. Sleep deprivation

When you're getting by on broken sleep, your brain’s ability to regulate your emotions is impaired. It’s harder to think clearly, stay calm, or respond gently when you’re running on fumes.

2. Mental overload

Managing the details of your household and family life, feeding schedules, appointments, school forms, and groceries is often invisible work. When it’s constant and unacknowledged, it starts to weigh heavily.

Anger can rise when it feels like everything is on your shoulders.

3. Feeling isolated

You might be physically surrounded by people and still feel completely alone in what you're carrying. This kind of isolation isn’t just about being by yourself. It often happens when the emotional weight of motherhood isn’t shared or seen.

Single mums, or those in relationships where connection has slipped into the background, may feel this most intensely. When conversations revolve around logistics, sleep schedules, or what’s for dinner, it’s easy for emotional closeness to fade.

4. Needs going unmet

If you haven't had time to eat properly, stretch your legs, or simply sit without interruption, anger might be your body’s way of sounding the alarm. Everyone has limits, and it’s not selfish to have them.

5. Losing your sense of identity

Motherhood changes everything. It’s common to feel grief for the version of yourself who had more freedom, more rest, or more time.

This grief doesn’t usually go away by itself. Left unprocessed, it can feed resentment, frustration, anger, and deeper grief.

6. Chronic stress response

When your nervous system is constantly on high alert, even minor stress can feel unmanageable. It’s as if your plate is always full, and any small nudge makes it spill over.

Mum rage is rarely about one incident. It’s more often the end result of doing too much, with too little support, for too long.

Can you avoid mum rage?

It’s not always possible to stop anger from rising completely, but you can be in more control. Instead of waiting until you explode, you can intentionally notice and process your emotions early on.

Start by noticing the conditions that tend to trigger anger in you. Do you feel more irritable after a sleepless night? When your to-do list grows and no one offers help? When you haven’t spoken to another adult all day?

You may not be able to change everything, but small shifts can offer breathing room. These are a few starting points:

• Protect short windows of rest, even if they feel small or imperfect.

• Share responsibilities. Talk openly about the invisible tasks you’re managing.

• Create space for small breaks, like 10 minutes outdoors, music with headphones, or a walk around the block.

• Connect with someone who listens without trying to fix you.

• Tune into what your body is telling you, especially when irritation starts building.

Catching the early signs of anger can help you step in before it reaches its peak. 

How to deal with your mum rage?

1. Acknowledge what’s happening

You can start by admitting your rage to yourself. This doesn’t excuse the anger, but it does bring it to your awareness. And this opens a path toward handling it with more intention.

2. Get to know your patterns

Try noting when anger tends to show up and what’s going on around you. Here’s a simple table that can help you unpack your triggers.

Create your own version of this table and fill the rows as you observe yourself more closely in the next few days or weeks.

Next time you encounter something triggering, you will be better equipped with knowledge on what you need and what you could do instead of lashing out. 

3. Use in-the-moment tools

When anger builds, small tools can help you pause and regulate or steady yourself. For example, you might try:

• Splashing cold water on your face

• Breathing in for four, holding for four, exhaling slowly

• Naming five things you can see or hear

• Sitting or lying down for a minute, eyes closed

• Gripping something soft or textured

4. Repair afterwards

If you’ve yelled or reacted harshly, you can still come back and repair. This could sound like, “I’m sorry I raised my voice. I was overwhelmed and needed a break.”

Children are resilient, and they can actually benefit from seeing their parents apologise. What matters most is showing them that everyone has hard moments and that you’re trying to do better.

5. Reach out for support

Therapists, psychologists, and GPs can support you in making sense of maternal anger. 

Sometimes, professional help offers a space where you don’t have to hold it all together. You can speak freely, feel seen, and start to untangle what’s happening underneath the surface.

If you’re not sure where to start, organisations like PANDA or the Gidget Foundation offer free support for mothers navigating emotional challenges after birth.

Final thoughts

It’s absolutely normal to feel anger pile up as you push yourself to keep doing more without enough support. Left unaddressed, however, this anger can easily result in chaos within you and in your relationship with your kids.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by how often anger is showing up, you don’t have to wait for things to get worse. Speaking with a GP, therapist or support service can help you make sense of what you’re carrying and find ways to lighten the load.