Signs your teenager is being manipulative

When emotional outbursts, guilt-trips, or dishonesty become consistent ways your teen manages conflict or controls conversations, it's worth looking more closely.

Manipulation is not just typical teenage moodiness taken too far. It’s a specific pattern that aims to shift control, dodge accountability, or influence others unfairly.

In this guide, we explore how manipulative behaviour can show up in the parent-teen relationship, what might be driving it, and how to respond in ways that encourage accountability, respect, and honest communication.

Recognising manipulative behaviours

Manipulation involves using emotional, verbal, or behavioural tactics to influence others, usually without being direct.

However, not every argument or emotional moment is manipulation. The key difference is intention and repetition.

1. Lying and avoiding responsibility

Some teens use dishonesty not just to stay out of trouble, but to shift blame or control how things play out. You might hear different versions of the same story, or find them insisting something didn’t happen even when you know it did. 

2. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where someone tries to make another person question their perception. In teenagers, it might sound like:

• “You’re being too sensitive.”

• “You always exaggerate.”

• “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

This behaviour can leave parents feeling unsure, frustrated, or constantly second-guessing their reactions.

3. Emotional outbursts and yelling

Strong emotions are normal for teens, but when shouting or crying is used to derail a conversation, shut down a boundary, or distract from an issue, it's often a way to avoid accountability.

If your teen tends to escalate emotionally whenever rules are enforced, they may be relying on those reactions to shift the focus away from their behaviour.

4. Guilt-tripping and disrespect

Teens may try to influence you by making you feel guilty. Do the following sound familiar?

• “You always choose work over me.”

• “You don’t actually care what I think.”

•  “If you really loved me, you’d say yes.”

At times, these kinds of comments can come from a place of genuine hurt or disconnection. They might be clumsy attempts to express loneliness or a need for reassurance and, when shared with openness and a willingness to talk, they can lead to a closer connection.

But when they’re used repeatedly to wear you down, dismiss your effort, or avoid responsibility, they become a form of manipulation. The difference often lies in the tone, timing, and how they respond when you try to unpack what they just said.

5. Silence and stonewalling

Stonewalling is when a person shuts down communication by walking away, going quiet, or refusing to respond. It can look like ignoring your questions or leaving the room mid-conversation.

Sometimes this behaviour is a way of coping with stress or emotional overload. Many teens need space to calm down, especially if they've learned from adults that silence is how conflict gets handled.

But when silence is used to avoid accountability, punish you, or pressure you into changing a decision, it becomes manipulative. The difference often lies in what happens next: Do they return ready to talk, or only once they’ve gotten what they wanted?

6. Weaponised incompetence

Sometimes teens act like they can’t do something when they actually can. You might hear, “I don’t know how to cook anything,” or “If I try, I’ll probably mess it up,” in the hope that you’ll just do it for them.

This can be a way to avoid responsibility or effort, especially if they’ve learned that appearing helpless gets a quicker, easier outcome. It’s also worth asking if this pattern might have been picked up from the adults around them.

If you often step in to avoid a mess or an argument, your teen might be mirroring that. Encouraging them to try, even if it’s not perfect, helps them build independence, life skills, and a growth mindset.

7. Digital manipulation and threats

Some teens use digital tools like messaging apps, group chats, or social media to influence outcomes or control others. This might include threatening to post something embarrassing, sharing private messages, or saying things like, “If you don’t let me go, I’ll tell everyone what you did.”

These tactics can put you under emotional pressure and are often used to create fear, embarrassment, or urgency. It’s a way of gaining control by using the reach and speed of online platforms to their advantage.

If your teen is making digital threats or using online behaviour to pressure you or others, it’s important to take it seriously. This kind of manipulation can escalate quickly, and bringing in a school counsellor or psychologist may help uncover what’s driving it and how to set healthy limits.

Why manipulation happens

Manipulative behaviour often develops as a strategy to cope with emotional discomfort, avoid consequences, or influence others when a teen doesn’t feel they have other options. It can also be modelled from family dynamics or media.

Some possible reasons are:

• Avoiding punishment or limits

• Difficulty expressing needs directly

• Feeling powerless or overlooked

• Inconsistent parenting or unclear rules

• Peer influence or exposure to toxic online behaviour

• Low confidence or fear of failure

The behaviour may feel strategic, but underneath, your teen could be struggling to manage emotions, solve problems, or connect in healthier ways.

When to take a closer look

Parents often dismiss early signs as mood swings or a "phase," but some patterns suggest a more serious issue. Consider looking more closely if:

• Your teen regularly uses guilt, silence, or dishonesty to influence you

• They deny clear facts, rewrite conversations, or blame you for everything

• Their behaviour causes frequent conflict or confusion at home

• They seem to manipulate friends, teachers, or online contacts

• You feel emotionally drained or unsure how to respond

How to respond constructively

1. Choose the right time to talk

Wait until things have settled before starting a serious conversation. It's easier to connect when you're both calm and not reacting in the heat of the moment.

You might say something like, "I've noticed that when I set a limit, things often turn into a fight or you walk away. I want to understand what's going on for you."

2. Stay steady, even when emotions run high

If your teen lashes out, tries to guilt you, or becomes withdrawn, it's easy to lose your footing. But when you stay calm and respond thoughtfully, you show that you're not going to be controlled by big emotions.

You aren't ignoring their feelings here, but you're simply not letting their behaviour take over the conversation.

3. Look beneath the behaviour

Manipulation is often a cover for something deeper. Your teen might be feeling anxious, rejected, or even dealing with bullying, cyberbullying, or depression. What looks like disrespect could be a way of coping with feeling powerless or unseen.

Keep an eye out for changes in mood, appetite, sleep, or school engagement, and check in with them gently.

4. Talk about how to express emotions honestly

Let your teen know it's okay to feel angry, sad, or disappointed, but it’s not okay to use silence, threats, or guilt to get what they want.

Show them how to talk about difficult feelings by sharing your own when it's appropriate. You might say, "I felt hurt when you shut me out. I want us to talk about things, even when they're hard."

5. Avoid rescuing them too quickly

If your teen says they can't handle something, like a school project or helping at home, ask what kind of support they need rather than stepping in right away.

Surviving school and teenage life comes with stress, but it's important that your teen learns how to manage challenges rather than avoid them.

6. Get professional support if you're concerned

If the manipulative behaviour keeps coming up or you’re worried something more serious is going on, you don’t have to handle it alone. Talking to a psychologist, school counsellor, or GP can help you get a clearer picture and the right kind of support.

Final thoughts

Teenagers are still learning how to communicate, manage emotions, and deal with pressure. When those skills aren’t fully developed, some may lean on manipulation to get by. And as a parent, it’s crucial that you learn how to recognise these behaviours and respond to them with care.

Your job isn’t to control your teen, but to help them learn how to relate to others in honest, respectful, and healthy ways. That can feel tough, especially when they push against limits or shut you out. But staying steady, even when it’s hard, sends a powerful message.

When you lead with calm, consistency, and care, you give your teen a strong foundation to grow into someone who takes responsibility for their actions and understands how to navigate relationships with confidence and respect.