How to look after yourself when you aren't okay

Sometimes, there’s a clear reason you’re not okay. A relationship ends. Work becomes unbearable. Money is tight. Or something happened in the family.

Other times, there’s no single event to point to. You’re just more tired than usual. You stop replying to people. Cooking feels like too much effort. You’re getting through work or uni, but barely. Things that used to be enjoyable feel flat, and you might not even realise how much you’ve changed until someone asks if you’re doing alright.

Looking after yourself during a period like this doesn’t have to involve green smoothies, gratitude journals, or a morning routine that starts before sunrise. Sometimes, it looks much more ordinary than that, like eating dinner, getting out of the house for ten minutes, answering one message, or finally admitting to someone that things haven’t been great.

Notice what’s different, not just what looks “serious”

A person doesn’t have to be crying every day to be struggling. For some people, a low mood looks like sadness. For others, it looks like irritability, numbness, boredom, procrastination, or pulling away from everyone.

You might notice that you’re sleeping at odd hours, cancelling plans you would normally enjoy, drinking more, scrolling for hours, or leaving basic tasks until they become urgent. Maybe work takes twice as much effort as it used to. Maybe you keep thinking you should be coping better, even though nothing feels particularly manageable.

Try not to get too caught up in whether your symptoms seem “bad enough”.

A more useful question is: What has changed for you?

If you’re normally social and you’ve started avoiding everyone, that matters. If you usually cope well with pressure and now every small demand feels impossible, that matters too.

Forget the full life overhaul

There’s a certain kind of panic that can set in when someone realises they haven’t been doing well.

Suddenly, everything needs fixing. Sleep. Diet. Exercise. Screen time. Productivity. Friendships. Finances. The messy bedroom. The five unanswered emails.

That usually ends with an ambitious plan that lasts two days, followed by feeling even worse for not sticking to it. When you’re already depleted, asking yourself to become dramatically more disciplined is rarely useful.

Start smaller. Maybe today needs to be about eating properly and having a shower. Maybe the only realistic task is replying to one email you’ve been avoiding. Maybe you need to cancel something because you genuinely don’t have the capacity for it.

This doesn’t mean giving up. It means working with the energy you actually have, rather than the energy you think you should have.

Work out what a decent day looks like right now

There are times when your usual standards need adjusting. Not necessarily permanently, but just for now.

A “good day” when you’re feeling well might include work, exercise, cooking, socialising, and getting a few life-admin jobs done. A decent day when you’re struggling might simply mean you ate three times, got outside, answered an important message, and made it to bed at a reasonable hour.

Start with the boring basics

It can feel almost ridiculous to talk about food, water, and sleep when your thoughts feel much bigger than that. But your brain doesn’t operate separately from your body.

If you haven’t eaten since breakfast, have been living on caffeine, and slept four hours, there’s a good chance everything will feel more difficult.

Sleep is particularly important. A meta-analysis of 65 randomised controlled trials involving 8,608 participants found that interventions that successfully improved sleep also led to significant improvements in overall mental health, depression, anxiety, stress, and rumination.

Better sleep won’t magically resolve everything that’s wrong. Still, regularly sleeping badly can make an already difficult period feel much worse.

So before trying to untangle your entire life, check the basics. When did you last eat something substantial? Have you had water? Have you been outside today? Have you moved at all? Have you taken any prescribed medication as directed?

Make things easier, not perfect

There’s no rule saying self-care has to be impressive.

If you can’t face cooking, buy something simple. If going to the gym feels impossible, walk around the block. If the bedroom is overwhelming, pick up the rubbish and leave the rest.

This is where being practical matters more than being idealistic.

A sandwich is better than skipping dinner because you didn’t have the energy to cook something nutritious from scratch. Ten minutes outside is better than staying indoors because you couldn’t manage a full workout.

Lowering the bar temporarily can stop small problems from becoming bigger ones.

Don’t wait around for motivation

One of the most frustrating things about feeling low is knowing what might help and still not wanting to do it.

A friend suggests going for a walk. You know it would probably be good for you, but staying on the couch feels easier. You think about getting back into exercise, but the thought of changing clothes already feels exhausting.

It’s easy to assume motivation needs to arrive first. But more often, it doesn’t.

Behavioural activation, a well-established psychological treatment for depression, takes a different approach. It encourages people to gradually return to activities that create a sense of enjoyment, connection, or achievement, even when the desire to do them isn’t there yet.

A 2023 meta-analysis of 22 randomised controlled trials found that individual behavioural activation reduced depressive symptoms compared with waitlist, usual care, and other control conditions, although results varied considerably between studies.

In real life, that might mean doing something small before you feel ready, like taking a short walk, washing your hair, replying to one message, or sitting outside for a few minutes. You may not feel dramatically better afterwards, but sometimes the goal is simply to stop the day from feeling quite so stuck.

Set things up for the version of you who has less energy

When you’re struggling, memory and concentration can become unreliable. You forget to eat. You put off paying something. You walk into a room and can’t remember why. You keep telling yourself you’ll book an appointment later, then another week passes.

Trying harder isn’t always the best answer. Sometimes you need to stop expecting your brain to hold everything.

Put reminders in your phone. Keep easy food in the freezer. Write down the three tasks that genuinely matter today. Put your water bottle somewhere visible. Ask a friend to remind you about an appointment you keep avoiding.

There’s nothing glamorous about any of this, which is probably why it doesn’t feature heavily in self-care content. But when you’re mentally drained, removing a few small obstacles can make a surprising difference.

Tell someone, even if you don’t know what to say

“Talk to someone” sounds simple until you’re the one who has to do it.

You may not know how to explain what’s happening. You might worry that you’re being dramatic, or that you’ll make the conversation awkward.

But you don’t need a polished explanation. Often, simply saying you haven’t been feeling great lately” is enough.

Sometimes what you need isn’t even a serious conversation. You might ask someone to have dinner with you, come for a walk, sit with you while you sort through some life admin, or check in tomorrow.

Connection doesn’t always need to involve sharing your deepest feelings. Sometimes, it simply stops you disappearing into your own head for an entire weekend.

Pay attention to the things that help tonight but hurt tomorrow

A lot of coping strategies work… in the short term. And that’s why people use them.

Alcohol can quieten an anxious brain for a few hours. Scrolling can distract you from uncomfortable thoughts. Staying in bed can mean you don’t have to deal with anything for a while.

But the problem is what happens next.

Be honest about alcohol and other substances

If you’ve started drinking more because you’re stressed, anxious, lonely, or flat, it’s worth noticing.

Not every drink is a problem, but it’s worth asking what role alcohol or another substance is playing. Is it something you enjoy occasionally, or has it become your main way of relaxing? Do you find it difficult to socialise without it? Are you using it to sleep? Do you regularly feel more anxious or low the next day?

There’s no need to turn the answer into a moral judgement. Just be honest about whether the habit is giving more than it takes.

Know when resting has turned into hiding

There are days when staying in bed is exactly what you need. There are also days when staying in bed is making everything worse.

It’s not always easy to tell the difference. But one clue is how you feel afterwards. Real rest usually gives something back, even if it’s only a little energy. Avoidance often makes the next thing feel harder.

Move your body without turning it into a fitness challenge

It’s common knowledge that exercise can support mental health. But one important note here is that movement doesn’t need to become another project.

You don’t need new activewear, a gym membership, or an eight-week program.

You can walk to get coffee, stretch while watching television, kick a ball around, take the long way home, or dance badly to two songs in the kitchen.

If formal exercise sounds miserable right now, don’t worry about formal exercise. Just move a little more than you otherwise would.

Don’t make big decisions when you’re feeling low

When you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, or deeply upset, everything can feel urgent. You may want to quit, end a relationship, send a message you can’t take back, or make another major change just to get some relief.

Unless there’s an immediate safety issue, give yourself a little time before acting. Sleep, eat, talk it through with someone you trust, and revisit the decision when things feel less intense. Your feelings matter, but they don’t always need to make the final call.

Be kinder to yourself, but don’t use kindness as an excuse

Self-compassion can sound a little soft until someone understands what it actually means.

It doesn’t mean telling yourself that everything you’re doing is fine or avoiding responsibility. Often, it's simply refusing to add humiliation to an already difficult situation.

A 2023 meta-analysis of 56 randomised controlled trials found that self-compassion-focused interventions were associated with small to moderate reductions in depression, anxiety, and stress after treatment, although the overall risk of bias across the studies was high.

If your internal monologue is constantly calling you lazy, pathetic, weak, or useless, ask whether that approach is actually working. You can be compassionate and still say, “This habit is making things worse, and something needs to change.”

That’s very different from saying, “There’s something wrong with me because I’m struggling.”

Know when you need more than self-care

There’s a limit to what any self-care strategy can do. You can eat well, walk every day, cut back on alcohol, journal, meditate, and still need professional support.

That’s not a failure of self-care. It may simply mean the problem needs more than self-care can offer.

It’s worth talking to a GP, psychologist, counsellor, or therapist if things have been getting worse, your work or study is slipping, you’re isolating yourself more, your sleep has changed significantly, or your usual coping strategies aren’t making much difference.

Final thoughts

Not feeling okay doesn’t always look dramatic, and it doesn’t need to reach a crisis point before it deserves attention. If life has started to feel heavier, harder, or less like your usual self, small acts of care can help you steady things while you work out what you need next.

There’s also no shame in needing more than self-care. If you’ve been struggling for a while, or things are getting harder to manage, speaking with a therapist can help you make sense of what’s going on and find support that fits your situation.