Supporting someone who’s struggling but won’t open up

People cope with difficult periods in different ways. Some talk openly with people they trust. Others withdraw, spend more time alone, or wait until they feel ready to ask for support.

It can be harder to know what to do when someone is clearly struggling but does not want to talk about it or accept help. You may be genuinely concerned for them while also worrying that pushing too hard could make them pull away even further.

Give them space without disconnecting

Trying to get someone to talk before they feel ready can cause them to pull back further.

There are many reasons a person may keep things to themselves. They may not know how to explain what they are experiencing. They may feel embarrassed or worry about upsetting other people, or they may need time to understand their own feelings first.

If they don’t want to talk, respect that. You can still let them know that you remain available and that they don’t need to explain everything to you. Continue treating them as the person you know, rather than turning every interaction into a check on their mental health.

Touch base like you normally would

Keep reaching out in the ways you usually would. Send them a message, invite them for a walk, share a reel or meme they might find funny, or ask how their week is going.

Try not to make every interaction about how they are coping. Normal contact can feel more comfortable than repeated check-ins, especially if they don’t feel like having a deep talk.

If they turn down plans or take longer to reply, avoid taking it personally. Keep in mind that someone who is struggling may have limited energy for social interaction, but knowing that invitations are still there, with no pressure attached, can help them feel a sense of connection and being cared for.

Keep the door open and let them know they are still part of your life without putting pressure on them to explain themselves. 

Offer practical help

General offers of support can be difficult to respond to when someone already feels overwhelmed, but specific help is often easier to consider.

You could offer to bring over a meal, help with groceries, drive them to an appointment, or take care of a simple errand.

Keep the offer practical and easy to decline. The aim is not to take control of their responsibilities but to help reduce one small demand when their energy may already be stretched.

People also vary in what they find helpful. One person may appreciate company, while another needs more space. Pay attention to what they accept and what they turn down.

Listen before moving into solutions

If the person does eventually start talking, give them room to share their mind in their own way.

It can be tempting to immediately offer advice, find a solution, or tell them what you think they should do next. But listening first gives you a better understanding of what they need.

Avoid comparing their experience with someone else's or trying to convince them that things are not as bad as they seem.

Give them your attention, allow pauses, and avoid rushing to fill every silence. Once they have had time to speak, you can ask if they would like practical help thinking through next steps.

Avoid monitoring every change

Concern can sometimes turn into constant checking. You may start watching how quickly they reply to messages, how often they go out, or how they behave around other people.

Unless there is a serious safety concern, an adult who is struggling still needs privacy and independence. It might be hard to do, especially when you’re deeply concerned, but try to stay attentive without becoming intrusive. If appropriate, you can also encourage a few trusted people who see them regularly to check in from time to time, so the support does not rest on one person alone.

Keep professional support within reach

You cannot force someone to speak with a psychologist or therapist, but you can make the option feel easier to approach.

A GP is often a useful starting point, particularly if there have been changes in their sleep, appetite, energy, mood or physical health.

If the person expresses interest in professional support, ask if there is anything practical you can do. They may appreciate help finding a service, booking a therapist, or working out what options are available. Follow their lead rather than taking over.

Take signs of immediate risk seriously

There are times when concern for someone's safety needs to take priority over privacy.

Take the situation seriously if a person talks about suicide, says they want to die, indicates that they cannot keep themselves safe or appears at immediate risk of harming themselves or someone else.

Do not leave a person alone if you believe there is an immediate risk and it is safe for you to stay. Call Triple Zero on 000 if there is immediate danger. Lifeline also provides 24-hour crisis support on 13 11 14.

Caring for another person does not require you to become their only source of support. You can remain present while encouraging a broader circle of care that may include family, friends, a GP, a psychologist, or a therapist.

Someone who is not ready to open up today may feel differently later. Staying steady, respectful, and available gives them space without making the relationship feel dependent on a conversation they are not yet ready to have.

Further Reading:

• Australian Psychological Society - Depression

• Beyond Blue - Depression

• headspace National Youth Mental Health Foundation - Helping a friend going through a tough time

• Lifeline - Support Toolkit: Suicide