Understanding narcissistic triangulation

If you've ever felt like someone is dragging other people into conflicts or constantly comparing you to someone else to keep you off balance, there's a good chance you're dealing with a pattern called triangulation.

When this behaviour is used by someone with strong narcissistic traits, it often becomes part of a larger effort to control dynamics and maintain emotional power. It can leave you questioning yourself, feeling isolated, or unsure who to trust.

This article will help you understand what narcissist triangulation looks like, how it plays out in different areas of life, and what you can do if you're caught in it.

What triangulation means

Triangulation happens when someone brings a third person into a situation that should really involve just the two of you. Instead of having a direct conversation or resolving a conflict, they involve others to shift attention, stir up insecurity, or avoid accountability.

When narcissistic traits are involved, this tactic often becomes part of a broader pattern of manipulation. It might be driven by:

• a need for validation and admiration from multiple people at once

• a desire to avoid responsibility by shifting attention or blame onto others

• an effort to create competition or jealousy to keep others focused on them

• a desire to divide people so they remain easier to influence and less likely to challenge their authority

These motivations keep the person at the centre of every interaction, leaving others uncertain, defensive, or emotionally drained.

What it looks like in family relationships

Triangulation often starts in families. You might have grown up with it or still experience it as an adult.

Being labelled the problem

One child might be praised and seen as the “golden child” while another is blamed or criticised. The parent uses this division to maintain control and keep the children from uniting or challenging them.

Using children to carry messages

A parent avoids direct communication with their partner or other adults and instead asks a child to deliver emotional or sensitive messages. This puts children in roles they’re not equipped for and creates long-term emotional strain.

Turning siblings or relatives against each other

You might hear one family member say, “I’m only telling you this because I care,” when really it’s meant to stir up tension or plant doubt. If your parent or relative regularly tells you what others supposedly said about you, pay attention to how it makes you feel.

Triangulation in families can lead to long-term challenges with self-esteem and trust, especially if it’s been a pattern since childhood.

What it looks like in romantic relationships

Unnecessarily involving another person in a romantic relationship can be deeply damaging. You might feel unsafe or disrespected, constantly compared, left out of important conversations, or pressured to prove yourself. Below are some common scenarios:

Constant comparisons

Your partner brings up another person to highlight what they think you're lacking. They might say things like, "My ex never had this problem," or "You should dress more like Alex."

This kind of behaviour can hurt your confidence and create emotional distance.

Involving others in personal issues

Instead of speaking to you directly, your partner talks to a friend, family member, or even an ex about your relationship, then reports back what they said. This adds confusion and makes it harder for you to feel heard or respected.

Using jealousy as a control tactic

You may notice your partner flirting with others or praising someone else's qualities in front of you. This isn’t about genuine connection with the third person. It’s often used to make you feel uncertain or less secure in the relationship.

These behaviours are not just frustrating. They can leave you feeling like you have to constantly earn your partner’s approval or chase clarity that never arrives.

What it looks like in the workplace

Triangulation doesn’t always look obvious in the workplace, especially when respect and wellbeing aren’t a strong part of your company culture. However, regardless of the norm, triangulation can still affect your sense of fairness, safety, and teamwork.

Here are some scenarios:

Encouraging unhealthy competition

A manager may create rivalry by comparing you to a colleague instead of addressing issues directly. For example, they might say, "Jess always stays late and gets things done, maybe you should take notes," or "Mark thinks your performance has been slipping," without giving clear feedback or involving Mark in the conversation.

This approach turns teammates into competitors and keeps the manager in control of the dynamic. It discourages open communication, breeds mistrust, and puts you in a position where you're reacting to comments made behind your back rather than engaging in honest dialogue.

Cutting you out of direct communication

You’re left out of emails, meetings, or key decisions, only to hear about them from someone else. This keeps you out of the loop and dependent on the person controlling the flow of information.

Using others to reinforce their view

The person may involve co-workers or team members to back up their opinions about you or to make you feel isolated. These “allies” may not even realise they’re being used as part of a manipulation strategy.

What if you feel targeted?

1. Take a step back

Start by recognising what’s happening. Once you name it, the pattern becomes clearer, and this can help you step back emotionally and respond with more confidence.

Keeping notes can be helpful. Writing down what was said and who was involved can make things feel less confusing, especially in the workplace setting. It also gives you something to reflect on so you don’t have to second-guess yourself.

2. Refuse to participate in the triangle

If someone tries to bring you into a conflict that isn’t yours, politely decline. Focus on direct communication and set limits on gossip or indirect complaints.

Say: “I’d prefer to talk to them directly about this,” or “I’m not comfortable being in the middle.”

3. Establish clear boundaries

Boundaries protect your energy. If you don’t want to be compared to others or dragged into side conversations, say so. Simple phrases like “Let’s speak directly” or “Please don’t involve others in this” are often enough.

You don’t need to over-explain. If the person keeps ignoring your limits, it’s okay to step back from the conversation. In the workplace, you might want to use written communication where possible and reach out to HR if needed.

4. Strengthen your support system

Talk to someone who understands manipulative behaviour. This could be a trusted friend, a mentor, or a therapist. Outside support gives you space to process what’s happening, and it can also remind you that you're not imagining the tension.

Some patterns are also hard to name when you're in the middle of them or if you’ve accepted certain manipulative behaviours as normal. This is when professional guidance becomes even more important.

5. Look after your wellbeing

It’s important to look after your emotional and physical health. That may mean stepping back from toxic dynamics or reassessing your involvement in a relationship or workplace that repeatedly violates boundaries.

If children are involved, prioritising their psychological safety is key. Consider child therapy, family counselling, or legal advice if necessary.

Final thoughts

Triangulation can create confusion, mistrust, and a sense of instability in your relationships. When used by someone with narcissistic traits, it's often part of a broader pattern of control.

But you don’t have to stay stuck in a cycle of manipulation. By identifying the signs, setting strong boundaries, and building support around you, you can start to create more stable and respectful connections.

If you're finding it hard to deal with this on your own, speaking with a therapist can help you untangle the patterns and start making helpful changes.