Limerence & how to stop obsessing over someone

Many adults and teens find themselves stuck in a loop of longing for someone who never seems fully available. The mind replays every interaction, searching for clues that the feelings are mutual. This experience can feel like love at first, but it often turns into anxiety, confusion, and self‑doubt.

Psychologists call this state limerence. This guide unpacks what it is, how to overcome it, and how to build healthier attachment patterns.

What is limerence?

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov first described limerence in 1979 as a state of involuntary, intense fixation on another person. The person who becomes the focus of that fixation is known as the limerent object.

Limerence is powered by uncertainty about whether the other person feels the same way. People experiencing limerence often notice that:

• Thoughts about the other person are intrusive and hard to control

• They idealise the person’s positive traits and overlook flaws

• Small signs of attention bring euphoria, while distance or silence feels unbearable

• Physical symptoms, such as a racing heart or trembling, appear when thinking of them

• They replay conversations or check social media for clues

• Their sense of worth becomes tied to how the other person responds

Limerence is not formally recognised as a mental disorder in diagnostic manuals, but research shows it can cause significant emotional distress and interfere with daily life, especially when it becomes chronic or intense.

What causes limerence?

Limerence often develops when strong emotional needs meet uncertainty or inconsistency in relationships. It’s not caused by a single event but usually emerges from a mix of psychological, relational, and biological factors.

Some of the most common contributors are:

• Attachment style: People with anxious or avoidant attachment styles are more likely to experience obsessive relational thinking. For example, a 2024 study found that insecure attachment significantly predicts symptoms of relationship OCD, and other research links insecure attachment to obsessive traits and intrusive patterns.

• Early relational trauma: Childhood neglect, rejection, or inconsistent caregiving can create deep fears of abandonment and fuel the craving for reassurance in adulthood.

• Emotional regulation difficulties: When someone struggles to manage distress or uncertainty, their mind may cling to fantasy or control through overthinking.

• Low self‑esteem and codependency: A person who relies heavily on external validation may invest all emotional energy into being chosen or desired.

• Idealisation: Ambiguity leaves space for imagination, and the limerent mind fills in those gaps, creating an image of perfection that rarely matches reality.

In essence, limerence is the brain’s attempt to soothe insecurity and longing by turning another person into a source of certainty and hope.

Stages of limerence

Limerence tends to unfold in phases, though people may move through them differently. These stages are not always linear, and it’s common to move back and forth between them.

• Infatuation or initiation: This stage begins with a spark of attraction or fascination. The person becomes interesting or emotionally compelling, often for reasons that aren’t fully clear. Thoughts about them become more frequent, and the mind starts looking for signs that they might feel the same.

• Crystallisation: During this stage, the emotional intensity deepens. The limerent object becomes idealised, and the person experiencing limerence may begin obsessively thinking about them. Small interactions take on exaggerated meaning. Highs and lows depend on perceived signals of interest or disinterest. This is often the most consuming phase.

• Deterioration: Over time, the intensity may start to fade, especially if the limerent object doesn’t reciprocate, or if reality begins to clash with the fantasy. The person may feel disappointed, emotionally drained, or begin to question why they felt so strongly to begin with.

Some psychologists, including Dorothy Tennov, have identified three possible outcomes for limerence:

• Consummation: Mutual attraction leads to a romantic relationship. In some cases, the limerence fades once the fantasy gives way to a real connection.

• Starvation: The person realises the feelings are not returned, and the hope that kept the obsession alive begins to fade. This can be painful but often brings eventual relief.

• Transference: The fixation shifts to someone new, restarting the cycle with a different limerent object.

Limerence vs love

At first, limerence can look like love because it brings emotional highs and deep yearning. But safe love feels steady, while limerence feels uncertain and obsessive.

Love develops through shared experiences, communication, and mutual care. It’s grounded in reality and allows both people to be authentic. Limerence, on the other hand, is built on fantasy. The focus is often on being desired rather than truly knowing or supporting the other person.

In a loving relationship, a partner’s wellbeing matters as much as one’s own. There’s space for flaws, boundaries, and individuality. Limerence often lacks that balance. The limerent object becomes idealised and central to one’s sense of self, which can create emotional dependency and distress.

Is limerence always unhealthy?

No, it’s not always unhealthy. Many people experience mild forms of limerence during early attraction. It only becomes unhealthy when the preoccupation interferes with the person’s mental health, relationships, and important commitments like their work.

When obsession leads to constant checking, anxiety, or emotional exhaustion, it may overlap with relationship OCD, codependency, or obsessive love disorder.

In some cases, unresolved trauma can intensify these patterns. But recognising this early makes it easier to seek support and prevent the obsession from going deeper.

How to overcome limerence?

1. Recognise the unhealthy fixation

The first step is noticing that your thoughts about your limerent object have started to take up more space than feels manageable. If you're constantly replaying interactions, checking their social media, or feeling anxious when you don’t hear from them, it may be a sign that you need to step back a little and regain perspective.

2. Create distance and boundaries

Limiting or pausing contact with the limerent object, including online, can be difficult but crucial. Checking messages or scrolling through photos reinforces the cycle of obsession. Time and space help the nervous system settle.

3. Try to manage intrusive thoughts

When someone dominates your thinking, it can feel impossible to focus on anything else. But techniques from cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help interrupt these mental loops.

Try setting aside a specific time each day to acknowledge and explore your thoughts, rather than letting them run constantly in the background. Journalling, practising mindfulness, and working with a therapist can also help here.

4. Explore your attachment wounds

Strong emotional fixations often trace back to earlier experiences of feeling unsafe, unseen, or not enough. Working with a therapist can help you uncover these attachment patterns and begin to heal them.

Therapies like EMDR or schema therapy can support this process, helping you build self-trust and feel more secure within yourself, rather than needing that sense of safety from someone else.

5. Address related patterns

If intrusive doubts or compulsive reassurance‑seeking are present, working with a psychologist experienced in OCD treatment can help. People with codependent tendencies may focus on developing autonomy, boundaries, and self‑identity outside relationships.

6. Reinvest in your life

Redirecting energy into meaningful pursuits can gradually loosen the hold of obsession. Reconnecting with friends, exploring hobbies, exercising, or volunteering all reinforce self‑worth and broaden your sources of fulfilment.

7. Learn healthy models of love

Understanding secure attachment and what genuine emotional intimacy looks like can reshape expectations. Healthy love grows from honesty, mutuality, and safety rather than intensity and uncertainty.

Final thoughts

Limerence can be painful, but it often reveals deeper emotional needs that are ready to heal. By learning to recognise the difference between fantasy and real connection, you can move toward relationships that feel calm, secure, and fulfilling.

If persistent obsession is affecting mental health, speaking with a relationship therapist or someone who specialises in attachment, self-worth, or OCD can be an important next step. 

There’s no shame in needing support, and you can start therapy just as you are, even if you haven’t fully grasped what you’re experiencing and why.