What is true love? How to know if you’ve found it?

If you're dating or are in the “talking stage” with someone, chances are you've asked yourself if what you have is true love or just another fling.

For a lot of young adults, the line between genuine connection and a situationship can feel blurry. You might care deeply about someone but still feel unsure, on edge, or like you're the only one holding things together.

Real love doesn’t always look like the movies. It can feel awkward, slow, or even confronting, especially if you’re carrying emotional baggage from your upbringing or past relationships. 

In this article, we’ll try to break down what real love often looks like in real life, how to spot the signs of true love, and how to tell when something’s off. We’ll also explore why some people find closeness difficult, and how therapy or support can help change that over time.

Why we long for true love

It's a basic human need to want to feel close, understood, and emotionally safe with another person.

Even when we say we’re happy on our own, there’s often a quiet hope for a connection that feels safe, supportive, and genuine. For some, it’s about building something lasting. For others, it’s about finding a sense of acceptance or home in another person.

While more people are moving away from traditional relationship dynamics and marriage, most still want a relationship that feels emotionally secure, steady, and fulfilling.

So, what is true love?

There’s no perfect definition of true love, but most relationship professionals would agree on a few consistent themes.

Genuine love is less about intense feelings and more about how two people show up for each other over time. It grows through honesty, accountability, emotional availability, and the ability to repair after rupture.

Infatuation vs love

Attraction and infatuation can be powerful. They can also cloud judgment.

Early-stage intensity, often driven by chemistry, novelty, or unmet emotional needs, might feel like love but often lacks the substance to sustain a real relationship. Here’s how infatuation typically differs from genuine connection:

Infatuation often looks like:

• Intense feelings that develop quickly

• Idealising the other person while overlooking concerns

• Wanting constant contact or reassurance

• Feeling uncertain but emotionally hooked

• Strong focus on how the relationship makes you feel

Genuine love often looks like:

• A slower build based on mutual trust and understanding

• Seeing and accepting each other’s flaws

• Respect for boundaries and emotional space

• Comfort in vulnerability

• A growing sense of stability and emotional clarity

Infatuation can feel thrilling, while real love tends to feel grounding. It does not erase conflict or insecurity, but it offers the conditions to work through them with mutual respect and care.

What real, safe love looks like

No partner gets everything right all the time. We all have lapses, blind spots, or moments we wish we had handled differently. For many people, especially those with painful relationship histories or unresolved trauma, safe love can feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable at first. 

But, what sets real love apart is a partner's willingness to take responsibility, make meaningful changes, and become a healthier version of themselves. Here are some of the ways safe, genuine love often shows up:

1. Emotional safety and vulnerability

You can speak honestly, even when you're unsure or afraid of how your feelings will be received. You're able to express needs, set boundaries, and show up as your full self without fear of being punished, criticised, or shut down. Conflict might still happen, but respect and care remain intact through it.

That said, some people love deeply but still find vulnerability difficult, especially if they've learned to protect themselves by staying guarded. Safe relationships make room for that and allow the other person to learn vulnerability without being rushed.

2. Trust and consistency

Real love grows through small, repeated actions. Your partner follows through. They admit mistakes, and you do too. There’s a shared sense that the relationship is a space where reliability matters.

3. Empathy and curiosity

When something feels off, a caring partner checks in instead of jumping to conclusions. If you're upset, they listen and try to understand what you're really feeling, rather than just reacting to the surface.

Even when you make mistakes, they still see you as a whole person and stay open to your perspective and intentions.

4. Strong friendship and aligned values

Real love often feels like a deep friendship with mutual attraction. You share humour, goals, rituals, and support.

There may be differences in opinion or personality, but there’s enough alignment to make big decisions together.

5. Capacity for conflict and repair

Arguments are part of every real relationship. What matters is how those arguments are handled. You both try to understand, apologise when needed, and rebuild trust.

Repair is one of the most important markers of relational health.

6. Intimacy beyond sex

Physical connection matters, but so does emotional closeness. Being able to talk for hours, sit in silence, laugh over nothing, or lean on each other during hard times all contribute to a deeper bond.

7. Growing together over time

No relationship is static. True love supports each person’s growth, celebrates change, and adapts as life evolves. This growth mindset allows the relationship to deepen instead of stall.

Patterns that may block intimacy

Some people love deeply but still struggle to build lasting, stable relationships. These are often survival strategies that began early, when emotional safety was not available.

Here are some signs these patterns might be present:

• Pushing love away just when things start to feel real

• Avoiding vulnerability by staying in situationships or the talking stage indefinitely

• Testing partners to see if they will leave

• Becoming passive-aggressive or withdrawing during conflict

• Feeling unworthy of care or closeness

• Reacting to small issues by shutting down or through explosive behaviours

These patterns may have started as a way to cope with past hurt. They make sense, but they also make intimacy harder. Self-awareness and professional support can help you notice, understand, and slowly shift these unhealthy patterns.

When love feels unsafe

Sometimes, what feels like love can actually be part of a cycle of emotional harm. Here are some red flags to take seriously:

• Love bombing: grand gestures or fast declarations, followed by withdrawal or control

• Stonewalling: refusing to engage, speak, or respond in moments of conflict

• Gaslighting: making you doubt your memory, perceptions, or emotional reactions

• Passive-aggressive behaviours: indirect digs, guilt trips, or nonverbal punishments

• Emotional unavailability: openness is promised but never followed through

• Cycles of hot and cold: intense connection followed by distance or absence

These behaviours are often rooted in unacknowledged pain or unresolved trauma. Some people can overcome these patterns and build healthier ones, but the process takes work and commitment.

If the person who has any of these red flags isn’t willing to work on themselves,  it might be time to rethink the relationship.

How therapy and relational support can help

Therapy creates space to explore these patterns without shame. A skilled therapist can help someone:

• Understand how their attachment style affects relationships

• Recognise unhelpful relational habits and where they came from

• Learn how to set boundaries, stay present in conflict, and build repair skills

• Process grief, betrayal, or trauma that may be impacting new relationships

• Build trust at a pace that feels safe and sustainable

Couples therapy can also help relationships that are mostly healthy but stuck in recurring arguments, emotional disconnection, or unclear expectations.

Final thoughts

True love is not always easy to recognise and practise. It asks for emotional maturity, accountability, and often a willingness to unlearn the ideas we absorbed about love, trust, and closeness, especially if those ideas were shaped by hurt or instability.

If you've experienced betrayal, neglect, or toxic relationships that left you second-guessing your worth, rebuilding trust (both in others and in yourself) takes time. Sometimes, the hardest part of love is not finding the right person, but becoming the version of yourself who feels safe to give and receive love fully.

That process might mean confronting old patterns, setting clearer boundaries, or learning to speak up when it feels easier to stay quiet.

Genuine love is not perfect, and neither are we. What matters is the intention to show up with care, to repair when things break, and to keep learning how to make the other person feel truly seen, understood, and loved.