Learned helplessness: How to break through it?

It’s not uncommon to feel powerless when setbacks keep happening, especially when they seem out of our hands.

For many adults, this sense of helplessness creeps in quietly. A person might stop speaking up in a relationship that feels stuck, withdraw after being micromanaged by a parent or partner, or stop trying altogether after repeated rejection.

When this sense of futility becomes constant, it may be more than just a low mood. It may reflect a learned belief that effort and persistence won’t change anything.

This is what psychologists call learned helplessness. It can leave people feeling lost, emotionally drained, and unsure of their worth or capability. This article explores what learned helplessness is, how it develops, and what can help people shift from feeling stuck to rebuilding motivation, control, and a renewed sense of agency.

What is learned helplessness?

Learned helplessness is a state in which a person believes they have no control over the outcomes in their life, even when change is possible. It develops after repeated experiences of failure, powerlessness, or being unable to influence a situation, leading to a persistent sense that effort is pointless.

The concept was first introduced by psychologists Martin Seligman and Steven Maier in the late 1960s. In their studies, animals exposed to unavoidable discomfort eventually stopped trying to escape, even when a clear path to safety was later offered. The animals had learned that their actions made no difference, and so they gave up.

Similar patterns have been observed in humans, particularly after prolonged exposure to stress, traumatic situations, or environments where their voice or abilities have been repeatedly undermined.

People who have lived through childhood neglect and abuse, domestic violence, overcontrolling relationships, or sustained emotional invalidation may come to believe their needs don’t matter, and that nothing they do will make a difference. This mindset often contributes to inaction, low self-esteem, and a loss of motivation, even in situations where positive change is achievable.

The brain’s response to helplessness

Neuroscience research has shown that learned helplessness isn’t just a mindset; it also changes how the brain functions.

When someone experiences prolonged stress without resolution, the amygdala, which helps detect threat, becomes more reactive, while the prefrontal cortex, which helps with decision-making and emotional regulation, tends to become less active. This shift can make people feel more anxious, less able to focus, and more likely to avoid challenges.

These changes in brain activity can lead to symptoms like fatigue, low mood, trouble sleeping, and difficulties with concentration. Left untreated, learned helplessness may increase the risk of depression, anxiety, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Recognising learned helplessness

People who live with learned helplessness often carry quiet, persistent doubts about their ability to change their lives. They may describe feeling empty or “like nothing works.” Common thought patterns include:

• “It doesn’t matter what I do. Nothing ever changes.”

• “I’m not good enough, so why try?”

• “Everything always goes wrong.”

• “I must be stupid, because I can’t fix this.”

These thoughts frequently result in behaviours such as giving up easily, avoiding new opportunities, procrastinating, or staying in unsatisfying situations for fear of failure. Over time, this pattern can damage their self-worth and reinforce a sense of ineptitude, even in capable individuals.

It’s important to understand that these beliefs are not reflections of someone's actual ability, but rather of their lived experience. A child who was overparented and never given the chance to make mistakes, for example, might grow into an adult who feels helpless in the face of everyday decisions. 

Learned helplessness in relationships

In relationships, learned helplessness can be subtle but powerful. Someone might stop communicating their needs because they’ve been repeatedly ignored, or they might stay in a toxic dynamic because they believe leaving won’t improve things.

In some cases, people become convinced that they’re not “smart enough” to fix their relationship or that they’re “too difficult” to be loved well. This can lead to relationship stuckness, where both partners feel disempowered, emotionally withdrawn, or trapped.

How to unlearn learned helplessness?

Healing from learned helplessness is about building small, consistent changes that reconnect you with a sense of choice. These five techniques offer a practical starting point:

1. Rebuild trust in effort

Recovery can begin by taking small actions that lead to clear results, such as completing a simple task or following a short routine. These moments send signals to the brain that your actions do matter. Over time, with aid from your brain’s neuroplasticity, this process will help you reshape patterns linked to motivation, persistence, and emotional regulation.

2. Challenge perfectionism and self-doubt

Many people who feel helpless carry harsh self-judgements or hold themselves to unrealistic standards. Perfectionism often leads to avoidance and self-criticism, fuelling the belief that trying is pointless. Reframing unhelpful thoughts through tools like CBT or learned optimism encourages more balanced thinking and supports emotional resilience.

3. Replace escapism with healthy coping

It’s tempting to check out mentally or emotionally when life feels overwhelming. Escapism might take the form of bingeing content, substance use, or emotional shutdowns. While understandable, these behaviours can deepen helplessness.

Recognising these patterns and gradually replacing them with more restorative activities helps rebuild confidence and energy.

4. Build structure into daily life

Simple routines, such as regular meals, movement, or sleep patterns, can help restore stability when everything feels chaotic.

In professional environments, supporting workplace wellbeing by setting boundaries or addressing burnout can prevent helplessness from taking root. Small adjustments at work or home can make daily life feel more manageable and purposeful.

5. Reconnect with support

Helplessness often thrives in silence and isolation. Meanwhile, reaching out to others can offer emotional relief, fresh perspectives, and a gentle shift away from self-blame.

Support might come through therapy, peer groups, or honest conversations with people who make you feel heard and safe. Connection doesn't solve everything, but it can create the conditions for change to begin.

Final thoughts

Learned helplessness is often a response to prolonged difficult circumstances, where repeated efforts didn’t lead to safety or success.

But just as this helplessness was learned, it’s also possible to learn more constructive patterns that would influence you more strongly than any thoughts of helplessness.

By reconnecting with self-worth, embracing new perspectives, and allowing support, people can begin to move beyond negativity to greater positivity. Change may be slow at first, but what’s important is you keep going.

And within each choice to try again, no matter how small, lies a return to self-trust, strength, and hope.