What gentle parenting is, and what it’s not

Gentle parenting has become a widely discussed and often idealised approach to raising children. Coined and popularised in 2015 by author and parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith, the term describes a nurturing, respectful style of parenting that focuses on empathy, emotional connection, and modelling rather than punishment or control.

Its appeal is particularly strong among parents who want to raise their children differently or in contrast to how they were parented themselves. For these families, gentle parenting offers a way to break intergenerational cycles, prioritise emotional wellbeing, and build stronger, more respectful relationships at home.

But while its philosophy aligns closely with established research in areas like attachment theory and child development, gentle parenting as a defined method has not been extensively studied in academic or clinical settings. That doesn’t make it ineffective, but it’s important not to overstate the science behind it. Much of its value comes from lived experience and self-reported outcomes rather than formal research.

Let’s take a closer look at what gentle parenting involves and what sets it apart from other parenting styles in the next sections below.

What is gentle parenting, really?

At its heart, gentle parenting is a values-led approach focused on raising emotionally intelligent children through respectful connection. It’s not about letting children do whatever they like, but about understanding the emotional drivers behind their behaviour and responding with empathy and clarity.

This approach encourages parents to validate their children’s emotions, offer choices where appropriate, and set firm but kind boundaries. Rather than using rewards or punishments to control behaviour, gentle parenting focuses on building internal motivation, trust, and emotional literacy.

It often gets confused with permissiveness, which is a parenting style that typically lacks boundaries. But on the contrary, gentle parenting insists on having boundaries but enforces them with calm, not control.

Is it entirely different from Baumrind’s parenting styles?

Gentle parenting might sound like a brand-new concept, but it shares some common ground with earlier parenting models, particularly authoritative parenting and permissive parenting.

This is supported by Pezalla and Davidson’s study where they asked parents to describe their approaches to gentle parenting, and their descriptions aligned with the authoritative and indulgent parenting styles. It also overlaps with the positive parenting model, which encourages support over strict control.

What makes gentle parenting feel different is its emphasis on boundaries as an alternative to traditional discipline. Instead of using punishments or rewards, gentle parents aim to hold firm, respectful limits while helping kids understand the “why” behind them.

That said, gentle parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all. Some parents take a more structured, parent-led approach, while others lean toward collaboration and child-led decision-making. This range shows that gentle parenting is best seen as a flexible philosophy, not a fixed set of rules. It's less about ticking boxes and more about choosing connection, empathy and boundaries in a way that works for your family.

The inner work behind gentle parenting

One of the most challenging aspects of gentle parenting isn’t the parenting itself, but the emotional labour behind it.

Responding calmly when your child is screaming, refusing to comply, or melting down in public requires more than patience. It requires self-regulation, emotional awareness, and often, therapeutic support. Gentle parenting asks us to pause and reflect instead of reacting, even when we’re exhausted or overwhelmed.

This is where gentle parenting becomes more than just a method and becomes a practice of self-growth.

Parents often find themselves confronting unresolved feelings from their own upbringing. That might mean learning how to handle anger in healthy ways, setting boundaries without guilt, being okay with imperfection, or becoming more comfortable with emotional vulnerability.

Working with a therapist can help unpack these patterns, offering a safe space to explore your triggers and build the emotional tools needed to parent with more confidence and calm.

Social media’s role: Pressure, comparison, and perfectionism

While social media can be a source of inspiration, it can also distort the reality of parenting, especially for those exploring gentle parenting.

Platforms like Instagram and TikTok are full of curated moments of calm and connection, often without the messy in-between. These highlight reels can make parents feel like they’re failing if they lose their temper or can’t maintain a Pinterest-worthy routine.

In a study of a group of “gentle” parents, one-third of the respondents reported lower levels of efficacy, while more than one-third reported feeling burnt out. The said parents are those who tend to be highly self-critical, which can be difficult to avoid when you’re bombarded by societal expectations and “perfect” parents on social media. Meanwhile, the remaining two-thirds reported greater levels of parenting satisfaction and self-efficacy, which shows the promising advantages of the gentle approach.

If you’re someone who wants to practice (not perfect) gentle parenting, it might help to know that being 100% gentle all the time is not the goal. Focus more on presence, repair after rupture, and self-compassion. Gentle parenting becomes more meaningful if parents learn to be gentle with themselves, too.

What gentle parenting is not

For all its emphasis on empathy and connection, gentle parenting is often misunderstood, sometimes even by the parents trying to practice it. Let’s clear up some of the most common myths.

Myth 1: Gentle parenting means never saying “no”

Saying no is not only allowed, it’s essential. Gentle parenting doesn’t avoid boundaries. Rather, it just approaches them with a calm explanation rather than threats or bribes.

For example, instead of “Stop yelling or you’re going to your room,” a gentle approach might sound like, “I hear that you’re upset, but I can’t let you scream at me. Let’s take a break and talk when you’re ready.”

Myth 2: Kids are in charge

This parenting style isn’t about handing over control. Parents remain the leaders in the home. Gentle parenting simply replaces fear-based authority with mutual respect, offering guidance that helps children feel secure, not scared.

Myth 3: It’s only for toddlers or young children

Gentle parenting can (and does) apply across all stages of development, including the teenage years. What changes is the way empathy and boundaries are expressed to match the child’s growing independence.

Why it’s tougher than it seems

On paper, gentle parenting sounds calm and intuitive. In real life, it asks a lot from already tired parents. Let’s explore the challenges “gentle” parents may face.

It’s emotionally demanding

Staying regulated when your child is not can be exhausting, particularly during meltdowns, defiance, or high-stress moments. It takes mental energy and patience that can be hard to summon, especially for parents running on little sleep or emotional reserves.

It can create an imbalance in the family dynamic

In households with multiple children, one child’s emotional needs may dominate. Parents might unintentionally neglect their own wellbeing or that of siblings, trying so hard to meet one child where they’re at.

It gets complicated in co-parenting situations

When two caregivers use different parenting styles—say, one is gentle and the other more authoritarian—it can confuse children and cause tension between adults. Without shared values and communication, it’s harder to maintain consistency and trust. If you relate to this, our guide on co-parenting might help.

The guilt and self-judgment can be overwhelming

Many parents struggle with feelings of failure when they lose their temper or slip into old habits. These moments can feel especially heavy in the gentle parenting world, where the pressure to stay calm can lead to harsh self-criticism.

The role of therapy and support

Many parents find that adopting a gentle approach brings up unexpected emotions. Old wounds may resurface, or long-held beliefs about discipline and authority might be challenged. Therapy can be a powerful support in this process.

Speaking with a mental health professional can help you:

• Identify triggers and explore their roots

• Build emotional regulation strategies

• Navigate guilt, perfectionism, and burnout

• Clarify your values and boundaries as a parent

Therapy also provides space to explore parenting differences with a partner, and to manage stress from co-parenting arrangements or challenging developmental stages.

Whether you're dealing with a toddler’s defiance, a teenager’s resistance, or something else, support from a therapist experienced in family dynamics and conflicts can make a difference.

So, is gentle parenting “right”?

There’s no single right way to parent. Every child, every parent and every family system is unique. Gentle parenting isn’t about adhering rigidly to a set of rules. It’s a flexible, values-led philosophy that can be adapted to meet the needs of your family and your capacity as a parent.

What matters most is consistency, connection, and a willingness to grow alongside your child. Whether you adopt all elements of gentle parenting or incorporate just a few, the goal is the same: to raise emotionally secure children through compassion, not control.

Final thoughts

Gentle parenting doesn’t mean never losing your temper or making mistakes. It means choosing connection over control, even when it’s difficult or unclear how to proceed.

While there isn’t enough evidence-based guidance for handling the hardest moments gently (leaving some parents feeling uncertain or overwhelmed), the effort to be more emotionally present and regulated, for and with your child, is deeply meaningful.

You don’t have to be perfect to raise emotionally healthy kids. What matters most is showing up, making repairs when things go wrong, and extending the same compassion to yourself that you offer to your child.

References:

• Pew Research Center. (2023). How Today’s Parents Say Their Approach to Parenting Does – or Doesn’t – Match Their Own Upbringing. Retrieved from www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/01/24/how-todays-parents-say-their-approach-to-parenting-does-or-doesnt-match-their-own-upbringing/

• Pezalla, A.E. & Davison, A.J. (2024). “Trying to remain calm…but I do reach my limit sometimes”: An exploration of the meaning of gentle parenting. PLOS ONE 19(7): e0307492. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0307492