How to talk to women, even when you’re anxious

Learning how to talk to women can feel overwhelming, especially when anxiety enters the picture. You might second-guess every word, avoid eye contact, or panic mid-sentence.

Whether you are chatting at uni, messaging someone on Instagram, or talking to a girl online through a dating app, nervousness is common.

Many young men feel uncertain about how to express themselves in a way that feels genuine. Some worry about rejection, others about saying the wrong thing. But meaningful conversation does not come from having perfect lines. It comes from honesty, presence, and a willingness to connect.

This article offers practical advice to help you feel more at ease in social or romantic situations, while also addressing the deeper emotional patterns that might be influencing your confidence.

Why you might be anxious about talking to women

Social anxiety is one of the most common mental health challenges among young Australians.

According to the ABS, around one in four young men aged 16 to 24 report experiencing an anxiety disorder each year. These feelings often show up in situations involving dating or emotional vulnerability.

Several factors can contribute to this anxiety, including:

• Past experiences of embarrassment, criticism, or rejection

• Emotional neglect, where your emotional needs were not supported or acknowledged during childhood

• Social pressure to be confident or “masculine” at all times

• Internalised stereotypes about gender roles and expectations

A common misconception is that all women expect men to lead, charm, or impress them in specific ways. In reality, people have diverse preferences, personalities, and ways of communicating. The most respectful approach is to treat every person as an individual, not as a category defined by gender.

When you bring curiosity, openness, and empathy into a conversation, you show that you are interested in who the other person really is. That creates the foundation for trust and connection.

Tips to start a conversation

1. Start small and stay grounded

You don’t need a clever line or a dramatic opener. Commenting on your surroundings, offering a genuine compliment, or asking a light question is enough.

For example, “I like your shirt. Is that a band you’re into?” or “Have you been here before?” are simple but effective ways to start talking.

The key is to begin with something honest and low-pressure. Keep it light, respectful, and grounded in the moment.

2. Let go of outdated ideas

It’s important to move away from assumptions or stereotypes about what women want. Just like men, women have a wide range of interests and values.

Some might enjoy deep conversations, while others prefer humour, casual chats, or shared experiences.

Focus on learning about the individual in front of you, not performing a role. A genuine connection always matters more than trying to impress.

3. Control your tendency to overthink

Overanalysing every word or gesture can leave you frozen or avoidant. Try to stay present. If you feel your thoughts spiralling, take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is just a conversation. Not every moment needs to go perfectly.

How to keep the connection going

1. Practice active listening

Listening is more than staying quiet while the other person talks. It means paying attention, responding thoughtfully, and showing interest. Some ways to practice active listening include:

• Making comfortable eye contact

• Using small verbal cues, like “That makes sense” or “Really?”

• Reflecting back what they said, such as, “That sounds like a great trip. What made you choose that spot?”

Active listening shows that you care about their experience. It builds empathy and makes the other person feel heard, which is essential for trust.

2. Find common ground through shared interests

Conversations become easier when you discover mutual interests. This could be anything from music, books, or TV shows to sports, gaming, or food. If you are not sure what you might have in common, ask:

• What do you usually do to relax?

• Have you seen any good shows or films lately?

• What do you enjoy outside of work or study?

These questions open the door to connection and help the conversation unfold naturally.

3. Use body language to communicate openness

Your body language speaks even when your words do not. Keep an open posture, stand or sit in a relaxed way, and smile when it feels natural. These signals help the other person feel at ease.

If you are talking to a girl online, use thoughtful messages and a friendly tone. Emojis or playful language can help convey warmth, but keep it balanced and respectful.

What to talk about on a date (or just hanging out)

Spending time together, whether you call it a date, a catch-up, or just getting to know each other, can bring up its own set of nerves. Many people wonder what to talk about after the initial introductions are out of the way.

Here are a few relaxed but engaging topics:

• Passions and hobbies: Ask what they love to do and share your own interests.

• Everyday life: Talk about routines, how they spend their time, or what they are looking forward to.

• Pop culture: Chat about recent movies, music, books, or shows. These conversations often reveal personality and taste.

• Travel and experiences: Ask about places they have been or places they would love to go.

• Food and fun: Favourite cuisines, cooking fails, or places to eat are often great conversation starters.

You don’t need to fill every silence. Focus on being present, listening, and letting the moment guide the interaction.

How to handle awkward exchanges and rejections

1. Expect some awkwardness

It is normal for conversations to have pauses, missteps, or moments where you feel unsure. Try not to panic or fixate on these moments.

A casual comment like, “I completely lost my train of thought,” can defuse tension and help both of you reset.

2. Learn emotion regulation

Emotion regulation helps you manage nervousness, embarrassment, or disappointment in healthy ways. Some techniques include:

• Deep breathing exercises to calm your body

• Labelling your emotions, such as, “I feel nervous, and that’s okay”

• Practicing mindfulness by noticing your senses or surroundings

These tools can help you stay grounded during uncomfortable moments and recover more quickly if a conversation does not go as planned.

3. Respond to rejection with self-respect

If someone is not interested, thank them for their honesty and move on with grace. Rejection is a part of connection. It does not mean you failed. What matters is how you respond.

Being respectful shows maturity, and it leaves the door open for future positive interactions.

What if relationships feel too hard?

For some men, the idea of forming a relationship or even starting a conversation can feel impossible. This might be tied to long-term anxiety, past trauma, emotional neglect, or the belief that connection is not for them.

If you find yourself avoiding people, feeling numb after interactions, or fearing vulnerability, it may be time to explore these feelings more deeply.

Talk therapy can help. Working with a psychologist or counsellor gives you space to unpack your experiences, understand your patterns, and develop healthier ways of relating to others.

Therapy is not just for crisis moments. It can be a powerful tool for personal growth, healing, and confidence-building.

Final thoughts

Learning how to talk to women is not about mastering a technique or memorising the perfect script. It’s about showing up, being present, and building connections from a place of curiosity and respect.

Whether you're meeting someone in person or talking to a girl online, the same principles apply. Listen actively, manage your emotions, stay open, and treat each person as an individual. Keep practicing. Stay patient with yourself, and remember that you’re allowed to learn, grow, and even stumble along the way.