How to get your kids to listen

Many parents find themselves repeating instructions, feeling frustrated, and wondering why their child isn’t listening. These moments are common, especially with toddlers and young children who are still learning how to focus, process information, and manage transitions.

For parents who want to practise positive parenting or simply want to feel more in control, understanding how a child’s developing brain works can make everyday challenges easier to deal with. When we shift from simply trying to get kids to obey to guiding them with connection and clarity, cooperation tends to follow more naturally.

Listening is a learned skill, and like any skill, it takes time, support, and patience to develop.

What’s happening inside your kid’s brain?

Children aren’t being difficult on purpose. Their brains are still growing and learning how to manage things like focus, self-control, and decision-making. The part of the brain responsible for these skills, called the prefrontal cortex, continues developing well into adulthood.

This is why young children often get caught up in the moment, react with emotion instead of reasoning it out, find it hard to switch from one activity to another, or struggle with multi-step instructions.

Even adults have trouble listening sometimes. If you start talking to someone who's reading a message on their phone or deep in thought, and you haven’t first got their attention, it’s completely normal for them to miss what you said. The same goes for children, though they have even fewer tools to manage distractions or emotional impulses.

So when your child doesn’t respond straight away, it’s not usually defiance. They may be focused on something else, overwhelmed, or simply still learning how to shift their attention.

7 tips to help your child listen and cooperate

1. Connect before you speak

Before asking your child to do something, try to connect first. Walk over, say their name, and make eye contact. This helps them shift their attention and feel seen.

Of course, there are times when that’s not possible. You might be in the middle of cooking or doing the dishes while your child is playing in another room. In those moments, consider calling their name first and waiting for a response before giving instructions. A small pause for connection can make listening much more likely.

2. Make it playful

Young children learn and engage best through play. Try turning instructions into games or adding imagination to daily routines. Pretend you’re packing toys to go on a rocket ship. Race to put on shoes before the timer beeps. Sing your way through tooth brushing.

Play transforms resistance into cooperation. When your child is having fun, they’re far more likely to listen and to want to help.

3. Keep instructions simple and clear

Long explanations or multiple steps can confuse young children. Instead of saying, “We’re going to be late if you don’t hurry up, so go get your shoes and put your toys away,” try, “Shoes on now, please.”

Stick to one instruction at a time when possible, and allow your child a moment to process. If they’re unsure or distracted, gently ask, “Can you show me what I asked?” This reinforces understanding and helps build your child’s confidence.

4. Offer real choices

Giving your child simple, genuine choices gives them a sense of control, which helps reduce power struggles.

Instead of saying, “Put your jumper on now,” try, “Do you want to wear your blue jumper or your red one?” Even small choices, like which snack to have or what book to read, can make your child feel more empowered and cooperative.

5. Praise effort, not just results

Children thrive when their effort is noticed, not just the outcome. Rather than vague praise like “Good job,” try saying, “You worked really hard to tidy up your toys. That was helpful.”

Specific encouragement helps build your child’s self-esteem and internal motivation. It also reinforces that it’s okay to try and practice being brave even when things are hard.

6. Be patient and consistent

Some days your child will respond quickly and listen well. Other days, it may feel like nothing is working. This doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Learning to listen and follow instructions takes time.

Consistency helps your child understand what’s expected of them. If you stay calm and respond the same way each time, they’ll gradually learn to follow your lead. And when things go off track, a deep breath and a reset are often more effective than a lecture.

7. Focus on connection, not just compliance

When children feel emotionally connected, they are much more open to cooperation. Make time each day for one-on-one moments where there’s no instruction, no agenda—just presence. A cuddle, shared laughter, or a short game can do wonders.

These micro-moments of connection help fill your child’s emotional cup, making them feel safe, secure, and more able to listen.

When listening challenges might be a sign of something more

It’s completely normal for young children to go through phases of not listening. But there are times when ongoing difficulties might be a sign of something more.

If your child rarely responds to their name by age two, has ongoing trouble following even simple instructions, or seems delayed in speech or social interaction, it may be worth checking in with a professional. Frequent, intense meltdowns that are hard to calm may also be a red flag.

Early support can make a big difference for your child and your family’s wellbeing. If something doesn’t feel right, trust your instincts and reach out for guidance.

When your child triggers you

Every parent has moments when their child’s behaviour pushes their buttons. Maybe you were ignored as a child, and now your toddler’s resistance feels like rejection. Maybe you’re just exhausted, and your child’s whining feels unbearable.

Being triggered from time to time is normal. But if you find yourself reacting strongly – yelling, shutting down, or feeling overwhelmed – it might be helpful to pause and reflect. Developing self-awareness is one of the most powerful tools a parent can have. When you can recognise your own emotional responses, you’re better able to respond to your child instead of reacting automatically.

Talking to a therapist can be especially helpful if you find yourself frequently overwhelmed or reactive. Therapy provides a safe space to explore your own upbringing, patterns, and needs, so you can parent more calmly and confidently.

Final thoughts

Helping kids learn to listen isn’t about demanding obedience. It’s about building trust, nurturing connection, and guiding them with patience and clarity. Here’s what to remember:

• Your child’s brain is still developing, and they need time, repetition, and support

• Clear communication, gentle playfulness, and emotional safety go a long way

• Self-awareness helps you respond calmly, even in challenging moments

• If listening struggles persist, it’s okay to seek professional support

With consistent care and connection, your child will learn to listen, not because they fear punishment, but because they feel safe, loved, and motivated to cooperate.