Depleted mother syndrome, and how to feel like yourself again

You’re doing everything from running the house to caring for the kids. And yet, you feel like you’re disappearing under emotional fatigue and cognitive overload.

It’s not just in your head. What you’re experiencing may be depleted mother syndrome, which is a very real and common struggle among mums. 

What is depleted mother syndrome? Is it a real thing?

Depleted mother syndrome, or DMS, is a state of ongoing emotional exhaustion and deep fatigue experienced by many struggling mums who are stretched too thin by the relentless demands of parenting. It’s not classified as a medical condition, but that doesn’t make it any less real. The term describes a quiet burnout among mums that builds up over time and affects not just the body, but also the mind and the heart.

The idea of maternal burnout has been around since the 1970s, when researchers began comparing the stress of parenting to the kind of burnout seen in the workplace. But the term “depleted mother syndrome” was first coined in 2002 by Rick Hanson, Jan Hanson, and Dr. Ricki Polycove in their book Mother Nurture, used to describe the deep exhaustion that many mums experience from parenting.

The hidden causes

Parenting comes with constant physical demands, from caring for kids to managing routines, and often, leaving you running on little sleep. For working mums, juggling workplace stress and parental stress without a break can double the pressure.

But what often goes unseen are the hidden causes of parental burnout, like:

• The mental load and ongoing stress of always having to plan, organise, and think ahead for everyone

• Loss of personal identity from consistently putting your own needs last

• Resentment or even quiet rage toward a partner or family members who may not share the load equally

• Lack of a “village” or support system to help manage daily parenting responsibilities

• Financial pressure, even when both parents are working

• Toxic positivity in parenting, where admitting you're struggling feels like failure

• Unresolved issues from one’s childhood or pre-motherhood years that quietly add to parenting stress

• The slow realisation that one’s relationship with their spouse or partners may no longer be emotionally safe or healthy

• The quiet consideration of separation or divorce due to an unsupportive, emotionless, or sexless married life

Social media also adds pressure to look like the “perfect” mum. You scroll through perfectly curated photos and videos of other mothers who seem to be doing it all with ease. Comparing yourself to them can slowly wear down your confidence and make you feel like you’re not measuring up.

The cost of constantly giving without refuelling

Parental burnout is a serious state of stress that can have very real consequences on your health, your family, and your overall sense of wellbeing. Studies show that it can lead to:

• Depression, sleep issues, and low life satisfaction

• Emotional distance or harsh behaviour toward children

• More frequent conflicts with a partner

• Unhealthy coping styles, like substance abuse or social withdrawal

• Increased anxiety and emotional struggles in children

All of this makes one thing clear. Giving and giving without refuelling yourself can backfire, and it leaves you drained and unable to care for others the way you wish to.

That’s why it’s crucial to start being gentler with yourself. You deserve rest, support, and time to feel like you again, not just as a mother, but as a person.

How to feel better and avoid another mum burnout

Here are simple, practical tips to prioritise your wellbeing and prevent another wave of burnout.

1. Say no without guilt

You’re not obligated to attend every event or participate in every school fundraiser, especially when you’re already at your limit. Perfectionism can make you feel like you have to say yes to everything, but it’s okay to say “no” without justifying it. The more you protect your time and energy, the more space you create to look after yourself and to show up for those people and events that matter most to you.

2. Move your body gently

Research supports that physical activities like brisk walking, biking or swimming can reduce stress and mum exhaustion. If you’re juggling too many roles inside and outside the house, gentle movements like some deep breathing while the kettle boils, or a five-minute stretch before bed can help clear brain fog or mum brain, improving your focus and reducing stress.

3. Take tiny breaks and reward yourself

Recharging can feel impossible if you’re waiting to have a full day free of any responsibilities. For most of us, taking tiny breaks is what’s more realistic.

Having a quiet moment in the car or a short tea break without multitasking can help you recharge and come back to yourself. Especially if you’re dealing with pregnancy, prenatal, or postpartum depression, or you’re adjusting to body changes after birth, you need rest and gentleness more than ever. Your body has been through a lot, and it deserves care, not criticism. 

It also helps to start making space for small rewards, whether it’s a solo coffee, a quiet walk, or buying yourself something just because. Treating yourself once in a while is a reminder that you matter, too.

4. Speak up and seek professional help

If you're feeling constantly exhausted, emotionally numb, or more irritable than usual, it may be some early signs of maternal burnout. Other mum burnout symptoms include ongoing sadness, body aches, frequent illness, changes in appetite, or feeling disconnected from your kids or yourself.

When burnout begins affecting your ability to function day-to-day or puts a strain on your relationships, it’s time to talk to a trained psychologist or a family conflict therapist. Some of the best benefits of seeing a psychologist are that they can help you understand what's driving your burnout, develop coping strategies, and support you through emotional healing.

5. Seek extra support when your child is struggling

If your child or teen is showing signs of distress, like behavioural issues, or trouble adjusting to big life events (like separation, divorce, or loss), talking to a child psychologist or family counsellor can make a difference.

For special needs mums, the risk of burnout can be higher due to the added emotional, physical, and logistical demands of caregiving. Support is even more critical. Communities like Raising Children Network, Carer Gateway, and MyTime offer resources, local groups, and help tailored to families like yours.

A word for husbands and partners

If you’re a partner reading this, know that your support makes a huge difference. DMS often arises when mums feel alone and unsupported while trying to handle all the thinking, feeling, and doing on their own. For many exhausted mums, it’s made worse by the painful realisation that their partner is emotionally absent or unwilling to grow with them.

One of the best ways to support them is to be truly present. Check in, be emotionally present, and encourage rest or personal time for your wife or partner. Real support means taking true initiative: own tasks like laundry, cooking, or the school run as your responsibility, and not just something you "help with."

And to the mums parenting alone, the problem isn’t you. You’re doing more than your share, and often without any help. You deserve recognition, support, and rest, and not guilt, not judgment, and definitely not the expectation to keep doing it all without help.

Reclaiming yourself, one step at a time

Burnout can leave mums wondering if parenting ever gets less exhausting. The truth is, parenting evolves. As your kids grow and daily life becomes more manageable, the exhaustion usually starts to fade. But you don’t have to wait for things to change to start feeling better. Embracing your vulnerability now and opening up about probably having a depleted mother syndrome is not a failure. It’s the first step toward healing.

If you’re not sure where to begin, Talked can connect you with qualified parenting therapists who understand what you’re going through and can help you take the first step toward reclaiming yourself, one conversation at a time.

References:

• Lebert-Charron, A., Dorard, G., Boujut, E., & Wendland, J. (2018). Maternal Burnout Syndrome: Contextual and Psychological Associated Factors. Frontiers in psychology, 9, 885. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00885

• Neece, C. L., Green, S. A., & Baker, B. L. (2012). Parenting stress and child behavior problems: a transactional relationship across time. American journal on intellectual and developmental disabilities, 117(1), 48–66. https://doi.org/10.1352/1944-7558-117.1.48

• Pathak, P. (2024). Depleted mother syndrome among working mothers: Causes and coping. International journal of applied research, 10(1), 87-90. https://www.allresearchjournal.com/archives/2024/vol10issue2/PartB/10-1-75-249.pdf

• Ren, X., Cai, Y., Wang, J., & Chen, O. (2024). A systematic review of parental burnout and related factors among parents. BMC public health, 24(1), 376. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-024-17829-y