Anxious avoidant attachment style: Patterns, coping skills, solutions

Many adults feel stuck in patterns of intimacy that seem impossible to change. Relationships may start with connection and warmth, only to spiral into distance, confusion, or withdrawal.

It’s a cycle that can leave both partners feeling frustrated and emotionally unstable. This article explores the psychological and relational patterns behind these behaviours, with a focus on the anxious avoidant attachment style.

While it can be difficult to identify and understand, this attachment pattern is more common than many realise. By exploring how it develops, what fuels it, and how to respond with compassion and awareness, individuals and couples can begin to move toward healthier, more secure connections.

What is an anxious-avoidant attachment style?

Anxious-avoidant attachment, also known as fearful avoidant or disorganised attachment, is characterised by a complex cycle of emotional closeness and withdrawal.

People with this attachment style typically want strong emotional bonds but also fear being hurt, engulfed, or exposed when intimacy increases.

This contradictory pattern usually begins in childhood, particularly when caregivers were unpredictable - sometimes emotionally available, sometimes dismissive, or entirely neglectful.

To cope, children often learn to suppress their emotional needs. As adults, this survival strategy can make it difficult to trust others or remain emotionally present in relationships.

Inside the anxious-avoidant mind

The internal experience of someone with an anxious-avoidant attachment style is often marked by a tug-of-war between emotional longing and self-protection. Common thoughts might include:

• “If I get too close, I’ll get hurt.”

• “They’ll see the worst in me if I open up.”

• “I shouldn’t need anyone.”

These thoughts are often examples of cognitive distortions, which are internal narratives shaped by early experiences that aren’t always accurate but feel convincing. Such distortions can interfere with building trust, expressing vulnerability, and maintaining emotionally healthy relationships.

Emotional unavailability is a common behaviour among those with this attachment style. There may be hesitation when talking to someone you like, or emotional withdrawal once a relationship becomes serious.

Many individuals also experience a persistent fear of missing out, particularly when they have thoughts that someone they value might not be valuing them the same way.

Self-worth and relationship challenges

Low self-worth is often at the heart of anxious avoidant patterns. Early emotional neglect can lead to the belief that emotional needs are inconvenient or burdensome. In adult relationships, this belief system may result in:

• Discomfort with sustained emotional closeness

• Difficulty expressing needs or asking for support

• A tendency to exit relationships prematurely

• Resistance to open communication or conflict resolution

• Cycles of stonewalling, detachment, and longing

These behaviours can create emotional instability, erode trust, and prevent healthy connections. They may also prevent the development of strong relationship skills, like assertiveness, emotional validation, or conflict navigation.

Coping strategies & pathways to secure attachment

While attachment styles can feel deeply embedded, they’re not fixed. With time, reflection, and support, it’s possible to develop more secure and fulfilling ways of relating to others.

The following strategies can support that transition:

1. Observe your emotional reactions

Building emotional literacy helps reduce internal chaos. Simple statements like “I feel uneasy when I don’t hear back” or “I notice I withdraw when I feel pressured” can be a great starting point towards understanding yourself and identifying unhealthy patterns.

2. Address cognitive distortions

Unpacking assumptions like “They’ll leave if I’m vulnerable” or “They don’t really care” helps create space for more flexible thinking. Therapeutic guidance can support this process and build resilience in emotional processing.

3. Improve communication skills

Gradual, low-pressure sharing of thoughts and feelings can help rebuild relational safety. This might involve expressing appreciation, initiating honest conversations, or making space for mutual needs.

4. Seek therapy to address early emotional neglect

Therapeutic approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), schema therapy, or Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help people heal from past emotional wounds and develop healthier patterns in current relationships.

Many find value in starting with accessible resources, like self-help guides, self-led therapy, or free psychology consultations, particularly if a full-hour therapy session feels overwhelming at first.

5. Practice emotional regulation and self-soothing

Self-regulation strategies, including breathwork, grounding techniques, and mindful journaling, can reduce reactivity. These tools are especially effective when emotional overwhelm or survival-mode responses make connection difficult.

When your partner has anxious-avoidant traits

Supporting a partner with anxious-avoidant attachment can be challenging, especially when their behaviour appears unpredictable or emotionally distant. However, with understanding and clear boundaries, the relationship can still grow and thrive.

Here are practical approaches for supporting a partner:

• Remain consistent without overextending. Offering a steady emotional presence without applying pressure allows space for trust to develop.

• Use calm, clear language. Statements like “I feel shut out when we don’t talk” can open the door to dialogue without blame.

• Try not to take their withdrawal personally. Distance is often a defensive habit, not a rejection of the partner.

• Encourage supportive resources. Recommending therapy or shared relationship education can help both partners feel more empowered.

• Know personal limits. If the dynamic becomes emotionally unsafe or abusive, it’s essential to honour and prioritise your personal wellbeing.

Developing a secure connection in this context takes time and effort from both people. But, the presence of emotional barriers doesn’t mean the relationship lacks potential. However, it will require more intentional care.

Shifting beyond anxious-avoidant attachment

Changing attachment patterns begins with awareness and grows through deliberate practice. Building secure relationships means replacing avoidance and anxiety with trust, presence, and mutual understanding.

People can move toward greater emotional availability, even after years of emotional suppression or relational stress. By learning to navigate discomfort, challenge self-protective habits, and connect with others authentically, more secure and satisfying relationships become possible.